Ramblings of a Beggar

Matthew 13:44- 46

2009-12-12T18:36:00.001-08:00

The Kingdom of Heaven is like treasure hidden in a field, which a man found and covered up. Then in his JOY he goes out and sells all that he has and buys that field.

Again, the Kindom of heaven is like a merchant in search of fine pearls, who, on fiding one pearl of great value, went and sold all that he had and bought it.

... just something to think about when it comes to worth, value, and truth.

Things that are beautiful to me

2009-10-11T22:35:00.001-07:00

in no particular order...

Old married couples walking hand in hand.
This scene is beyond words for me. There is great beauty found in a couple who have choosen each other regardless of what ever life brought them.

Trees.
I love trees. It does not matter if the sun is shining, or it is pouring down rain, their arms are always lifted up praising the Lord.

Sun set after a cloudy/rainy day.
The sky looks as if it's been set on fire.

More to come as I see them.

2009-08-23T20:48:00.000-07:00

There is something about morning. There is something about a new day. With the shower that is the birds song falling around me and the gentle breeze washing away the staleness of the previous day. There is something about the way the sun rises. He stands as one of the few constants in my life. Even in the days when the mist descends or the floodgates open he pushes through until his glory illuminates the sky.

There is something about mornings. The subtle miracle of the day reborn.

A term that continues to play in my mind is Namaste. A greeting I learned in India it translates to “I respect divinity within you that is also within me” or “the god in me recognizes the god in you.” If I believe in the divine then I believe that He is creator. If He stands as creator then all that is around me has within it His imprint. This touch from the divine I recognize as the divine spark and this divine spark makes all of human kind worthy of dignity. Therefore, life is sacred and must be protected at all cost. Human slavery robs people of that dignity and belittles them to nothing more than that which is dispensable. Human slavery is an affront to the sacredness of human life therefore it is an affront to God, and I can not stand for that.

Quinceniera

2009-07-01T20:39:00.000-07:00

I realized a little too late that I never posted some of the pictures I took at the Quinceniera. It was a very relaxed family affair that was held at the family home. It wasn't anything too spectacular, but it was so much fun.

I wish we would of played soccer at my Quinceniera, but my dress was a lot more fluffy than hers.

Again, I've only known her for about a year, but I am very impressed by who she is becomming.

Karen Martinez

2009-06-12T18:17:00.000-07:00

She is the daughter of my Brother-in-Law's Uncle and her Quinceniera is comming up...
I am the sister of the wife of her father's nephew and I can take pictures fairly well..

The family asked me to take the pictures for her Quinceniera. A Quinceniera is similar to the American Sweet 16. It is a right of passage for most Hispanic ladies. It symbolizes the first steps taken into womanhood and is officiated by a ceremony done in church and a celebration following. She's going to have an enlarged picture of herself for people to sign at the Quinceniera and she wanted the picutes to be done at Balboa Beach.

I learned a lot yesterday. I learned about client-photographer etiquet. I learned about angles and where to stand when it comes to direction of the sun. I learned that due to the limited landscape a beach is a difficult place to photograph people. I also learned that the first 15 to 20 minutes of any photography session will most likely be spent on getting the suject to relax. Karen was very rigid at the beggining of yesterday's session, but towards the end she was more relaxed which made for more natural looking pictures.

She's a nice person and mature for her young age.

Psalm 139: 1-18

2009-06-11T21:42:00.000-07:00

For the director of music. Of David. A psalm.
1 O LORD, you have searched me and you know me.
2 You know when I sit and when I rise;
you perceive my thoughts from afar.
3 You discern my going out and my lying down;  
you are familiar with all my ways.
4 Before a word is on my tongue  
you know it completely, O LORD.
5 You hem me in—behind and before;  
you have laid your hand upon me.
6 Such knowledge is too wonderful for me,  
too lofty for me to attain.
7 Where can I go from your Spirit?  
Where can I flee from your presence?
8 If I go up to the heavens, you are there;  
if I make my bed in the depths, you are there.
9 If I rise on the wings of the dawn,  
if I settle on the far side of the sea,
10 even there your hand will guide me,  
your right hand will hold me fast.
11 If I say, "Surely the darkness will hide me  
and the light become night around me,"
12 even the darkness will not be dark to you;  
the night will shine like the day,  
for darkness is as light to you.
13 For you created my inmost being;  
you knit me together in my mother's womb.
14 I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made;  
your works are wonderful, I know that full well.
15 My frame was not hidden from you  
when I was made in the secret place.  
When I was woven together in the depths of the earth,
16 your eyes saw my unformed body.  
All the days ordained for me were written in your book
before one of them came to be.
17 How precious to me are your thoughts, O God!  
How vast is the sum of them!
18 Were I to count them, they would outnumber the grains of sand.  
When I awake, I am still with you

Intimacy is truely a scary thing.
But under the right context it is so Beautyful

Commissioning

2009-05-28T10:40:00.000-07:00

About two weeks ago I felt a strong desire to go to my friends church. The Church is known as Expression 58 and they seek to live out Isaiah 58 by creative means. One of the reasons why I love it because of the differing ways people express their worship to God. It is not uncommon to see people perform beautifully choreographed dance or paint as the leader is leading us in songs. I live for ministry, but when you are constantly giving it is easy to find yourself running dry. I go to this church in instances such as this.

Come this August, I will have been working in Los Angeles for a year to help end Human Trafficking. This has become a passion of mine and I will move out to LA soon to further it. That night after an amazing hour of worship the Pastor came up and asked all those who felt called to work in Los Angeles to remain standing, so I did. He prayed a prayer of commissioning over us. As he prayed and my friend laid hands on me I felt an amazing surge of power run through me. One that could never have originated from myself.

In that instance God's passion and desire for Los Angeles became blatantly apparent to me. Not only that, but He revealed to me what my part in His desires would be. I am learning to declare war... War on trafficking. War on Sin. War on all types of Slavery.

It is both compelling and frightening

Charlie the Unicorn 3

2009-05-26T20:53:00.001-07:00

Well worth the wait!!

Be sure to pause the music at the bottom of this page.

Motherhood

2009-05-25T16:42:00.001-07:00

This week, I celebrated with a close friend as her and her family welcomed a new life into this world. I could not help but think how well motherhood suited her and how all consuming her love for her child is. It made me jealous and got me thinking about the concept of motherhood.

Motherhood is more than the birthing and care-take of children. It is the will and passion to ensure the Physical, Spiritual, Emotional, and Psychological health of another human being. To raise them in such a manner they will be a source of pride not only for the family, but also to the individual themselves. To see within others the divine spark and thus know all humans are worthy of love, compassion, and life. Motherhood requires the eventual sacrificial offering to God, the sacrifice being the child itself. Done under the understanding that His will must be done. But there is joy found in the sacrifice. For there will never exists hands that are more gentler, loving, wise, powerful, or compassionate.

Time

2009-04-23T14:56:00.000-07:00

The passage of time is marked in the colors that surround me. It is found in the vibrancy of the new beginnings of Spring, the fading as it stands the straining of the Summer sun, the understanding of its impeding passing as Fall begins to slow life down, and its eventual death as time grows cold. So why am I so surprised that what began so lush and green fell to the deadening factors of time?

Cooling winter envelopes me in her arms as my surroundings succumb to a white slumber. Under her blankets I find rest. Until the Spring rays roll the sleep from my eyes. And I start again.

Twilight The Puppet Saga

2009-01-02T21:00:00.001-08:00

BETTER than the movie!

Robby

2008-12-03T22:43:00.001-08:00

This made me smile.

Some Research

2008-11-20T21:32:00.000-08:00

I was asked to compile some information for the website. Here is what I found.

Trafficking In Persons Report 2008
http://www.state.gov/g/tip/rls/tiprpt/2008/105385.htm

Excerpts Taken from U.S. Government Domestic Anti-Trafficking in Persons Efforts

In Fiscal Year (FY) 2007, DOJ’s Civil Rights Division and U.S. Attorneys’ Offices initiated 182 investigations, charged 89 individuals, and obtained 103 convictions in cases involving human trafficking.

The USG continued to provide strong victim protection services over the year. Through FY 2007, HHS certified or issued eligibility letters to 1,379 victims of human trafficking since the TVPA was signed into law in October 2000. HHS certified 270 adult victims in FY 2007, and issued eligibility letters to 33 minors. Thirty percent of the total 303 victims were male, a significant increase from the six percent male victims certified in FY 2006. Certified victims came from over 50 countries globally and at least 63 percent of them were victims of trafficking for forced labor. Primary sources in FY 2007 of victims were Thailand (48), Mexico (42), Guatemala (25), Philippines (23), and China (21). Certification and letters of eligibility allow human trafficking survivors to access services and benefits, comparable to assistance provided by the U.S. to refugees. The HHS Per-Capita Services Contract implemented by civil society partners currently covers 125 sites across the country providing “anytime, anywhere” services to human trafficking victims.

Human Trafficking: Available Statistics 2005
http://www.ojp.usdoj.gov/ovc/ncvrw/2005/pg5l.html

Due to the “hidden” nature of trafficking activities, gathering statistics on the magnitude of the problem is a complex and difficult task. The following statistics are the most accurate available, given these complexities, but may represent an underestimation of trafficking on a global and national scale.

Each year, an estimated 600,000 to 800,000 men, women, and children are trafficked across international borders (some international and non-governmental organizations place the number far higher), and the trade is growing. (U.S. Department of State. 2004. Trafficking in Persons Report. Washington, D.C.: U.S. Department of State.)
Of the 600,000-800,000 people trafficked across international borders each year, 70 percent are female and 50 percent are children. The majority of these victims are forced into the commercial sex trade. (Ibid.)

Each year, an estimated 14,500 to 17,500 foreign nationals are trafficked into the United States. The number of U.S. citizens trafficked within the country each year is even higher, with an estimated 200,000 American children at risk for trafficking into the sex industry. (U.S. Department of Justice. 2004. Report to Congress from Attorney General John Ashcroft on U.S. Government Efforts to Combat Trafficking in Persons in Fiscal Year 2003. Washington, D.C.: U.S. Department of Justice.)

The largest number of people trafficked into the United States come from East Asia and the Pacific (5,000 to 7,000 victims). The next highest numbers come from Latin America and from Europe and Eurasia, with between 3,500 and 5,500 victims from each. (U.S. Departments of Justice, Health & Human Services, State, Labor, Homeland Security, Agriculture, and the U.S. Agency for International Development. 2004. Assessment of U.S. Government Activities to Combat Trafficking in Persons. Washington, D.C.: U.S. Department of Justice.)

Attorney General’s Annual Report to
Congress and Assessment of the U.S.
Government Activities to Combat
Trafficking in Persons
Fiscal Year 2007

May 2008

http://www.usdoj.gov/ag/annualreports/tr2007/agreporthumantrafficing2007.pdf

ICE Investigations and arrests:

In FY 2007, ICE opened 348 human trafficking investigations, which consisted of 129 investigations of forced labor and 219 investigations of commercial sexual exploitation. ICE made 164 arrests, 118 for sex trafficking and 46 for forced labor. (Page 23)

Operation Predator is a comprehensive ICE initiative launched in 2003 to safeguard children from foreign national sex offenders, international sex tourists, Internet child pornographers, and human traffickers. In FY 2007, this initiative reached 10,514 arrests of child exploiters, over 5,872 of which have been removed from the United States. (Page 24)

In FY 2007, there were 15 child sex tourism indictments and 23 convictions in cases investigated by ICE. (page 26)

The number of federal investigations and prosecutions of trafficking has increased significantly since the passage of the TVPA. Nevertheless, as noted in the prior assessments, some observers have suggested that U.S. prosecutions are not numerous enough given past estimates of victims that may be trafficked into the United States each year. The difficulty of developing accurate estimates reflects the challenges of quantifying the extent of victimization in a crime whose perpetrators go to great lengths to keep it hidden and whose victims are reluctant to self-identify for fear of being treated as criminals or illegal aliens despite vigorous outreach campaigns and the existence of extensive benefits and immigration relief. (Page 29)

Domestic Cases:

KC man charged with sex trafficking, child pornography
http://www.kansascity.com/news/local/story/867833.html

Location: Kansas City, Missouri 2008
Trafficker: Kansas City Man, 35
Victims: 4 women, one girl
Ethnic background: U.S. Citizens and Missouri residents

Leader of New York-Connecticut Sex-Trafficking Ring Pleads Guilty
http://www.prnewswire.com/cgi-bin/stories.pl?ACCT=104&STORY=/www/story/03-14-2008/0004774504&EDATE=

Location: Bridgeport, Conn. 2008
Trafficker: Corey “Magnificent” Davis
Victims: An estimated 20 females among them were 2 minors, one being only 12.
Ethnic Background: Did not specify

Russian Crime Boss arrested on sex trafficking
http://genderberg.com/phpNuke/modules.php?name=News&file=article&sid=110

Location: Brooklyn, NY 2005
Trafficker: Asker “Osgar” Mammedov, 31
Victims: Women from Azerbaijan, unknown total, one was 16-17
Ethnic Background: Azerbaijan

Tennessee Man Sentenced for Sex Trafficking of Adults and Jeveniles
http://actioncenter.polarisproject.org/the-frontlines/recent-federal-cases/302-tennessee-man-sentenced-for-sex-trafficking-of-adults-and-juveniles

Location: Nashville Tenn. 2007
Trafficker: Juan Mendez
Victims: Two Girls ages 13 and 17
Ethnic Background: Latin American

Mexican Man Pleads Guilty to Sex Trafficking of Minors
http://www.americandaily.com/article/23520

Location: Charlotte, N.C. 11/2008
Trafficker: Jorge Flores-Rojas, 44 an Undocumented Mexican National
Victims: Two underage females, One woman
Ethnic Background: Mexican, Honduran

This song got me thinking... got me remembering

2008-11-07T22:38:00.001-08:00

Hands Held High - Linkin Park

On September 11th 2001 The Twin Towers fell. I was a freshman in College. My very first semester. My dad was driving me to school that day along with my sister. We were fighting about something. Just yelling back and forth. All of a sudden my dad yells at us and tells us to be quiet and over the radio the tragedy that was occurring 3,000 miles away was entering our reality. In a state of numbness I walked up the stairs to class only to be greeted by my professor as he was flying down the stairs declaring class to be canceled for the day. He was a “Cool” guy. The kind of guy who must have been popular in High School… dated the prettiest girls… Succeeded in all sports… could even out-drink my Grandpa… It was odd to see that panic suit him as well. I used a pay phone to call my dad and asked that he turn around and take me home where I spent the rest of the day watching the tv… I was surprised to see that I didn’t cry… I began to wonder why I couldn’t cry…at least … not until they showed pictures of charred dolls among the rubble… children went into the buildings…not all of them made it out.

Grief quickly turned to anger…

I was really upset when “The Day the World Changed” was being used everywhere. It wasn’t the day the world changed; it was the day we were introduced to it.

Anger turned to action…

One of the guys in my class was part of the Special Forces. Talk of war was everywhere. Some opposed it. Some craved it. He spoke of tactics and positioning. How the military was just waiting for the green light… how this war would be over and won in a manner of months… I looked at him and said, “My children will be born into this war” He just looked at me and scoffed. But here we are… seven years later… yeah… poor little stupid girl… she didn’t know what she was talking about…

It is not a people we are fighting... It is an Ideology

By George, I think I've Got It!

2008-11-03T19:44:00.000-08:00

Ok… so I’ve been really sick lately. For some reason my body holds on to stress and tension harder than other humans. This causes my immune system a considerable amount of damage. Thus I know I need to take a breather when my health starts to go downhill.

I went home early from work and am currently relaxing wearing my favorite “Chicks With Brains” pajamas. They are my favorite pair because my big sister gave them to me for Christmas a long time ago, they are flannel, and they actually do have cartoonistic baby chicks wearing glasses and fuzzy slippers all over them. All things considering I am enjoying my time at home. My mother made my favorite Mexican soup, Posole, has been making me nice cold fresh fruit smoothies to help with my temperature, spent a majority of yesterday hugging me like when I was five years old, is making sure I take my medicine, and is looking after my cats while I get better.

During one of my fever induced coma/hallucination episodes I came to deeper understanding of my character… One, I act like a child when I’m sick and two... one of the reason why I haven’t entered into a serious relationship is that I have yet to find a man who would take care of me like my mom takes care of me. What she does for me, that’s true love. And, that's what I'm waiting for.

So while some women look for men who remind them of their fathers, I’m going to continue to wait for the man who reminds me of my mother… this scenario is only slightly creepier :)

In the grand scheme of things... I am very small

2008-10-26T19:48:00.000-07:00

Christians face attacks in eastern India
Violence has left at least 38 people dead and as many as 30,000 homeless

The Associated Press
updated 2:01 a.m. PT, Sun., Oct. 26, 2008

TIKKABALLI, India - They still worship in what remains of the little Baptist church not far from this forest town. The church is empty except for the rubble swept neatly into the corners. The sun comes through ragged holes where the mob smashed in the window frames.

On the roof, the crucifix is just twisted metal and broken concrete. It's barely recognizable, and you have to ask to make sure that's what it once was.

Here, prayers are said only in secret.

"We do it without making any noise," said Subhash Digal, holding his four-month-old son on his hip as he stood outside the church, where the smell of burned timber lingered on a warm autumn afternoon. "We don't want these people to know we are inside."

In this corner of the eastern state of Orissa, it's hard to find a Christian who isn't afraid.

Bloody anti-Christian riots broke out here in late August, rampages by Hindu hard-liners that since then have left at least 38 people dead, as many as 30,000 homeless and dozen of churches destroyed. The worst of the violence ended after a week or so, when authorities finally deployed soldiers to set up checkpoints and relief camps.

But nearly every day since then, the trouble has continued: a house burned, a carload of people beaten, a soldier hacked to death. Repeatedly, Christian villagers say, they have been told they must convert to Hinduism. The anti-Christian violence has also flickered across other parts of India, with churches vandalized and Christians attacked in the high-tech hub of Bangalore, the city of Mangalore and the coastal state of Kerala.

India's hidden fragility
In a country desperate to be seen as a stable, democratic world power, the violence is a window into India's hidden fragility, its sometimes-dangerous political climate and the fierce historical divisions buried in its vast diversity.

India is more than 80 percent Hindu but its 1.1 billion people include all of the world's major religions, a caste system of near-impossible complexity, colossal divides of wealth and poverty, and, by some estimates, more than 2,000 ethnic groups.

"If you look at Africa, you don't see this kind of diversity, if you look at all of Europe, you don't see this kind of diversity," said Swami Agnivesh, a Hindu intellectual and liberal social activist. When it comes to India's continued existence: "Sometimes I think it's a miracle."

Trouble can seem inevitable. In just the past couple weeks violence has ranged from the northeastern state of Assam, where at least 50 people have died in ethnic clashes, to the central state of Madhya Pradesh state, where three people were killed in religious riots after a Hindu procession passed through a Muslim neighborhood.

Then there is Orissa's Kandhamal district, where widespread trouble began after the Aug. 24 killing of Swami Laxmanananda Saraswati, a hard-line Hindu leader who rose to prominence in the area by advocating that Christian converts return to Hinduism.

Police blamed Maoist guerrillas for the killing, though it's unclear why they would have targeted him.

But Hindu militants quickly turned on local Christians, setting fire to a Christian orphanage and attacking churches and Christian-owned shops and homes. A nun accused a Hindu mob of raping her. At least 32 people have been killed, tens of thousands have fled their homes and thousands are believed still to be hiding in Orissa's thick forests.

The Kandhamal region is a place where villagers tend farms in small valleys circled by humpbacked hills, and where roadside ponds are filled with swimming children and floating lotuses. But it's also a place long cut off by poverty and illiteracy, where electricity is unknown in most villages and the pay for day laborers — the only job most people hope for — is 30 rupees, or 60 cents. That wage is only for men: Women earn 20 rupees, or 40 cents.

Kandhamal has long been a battleground over Christian missionary work among low-caste Hindus and the indigenous people known in India as "tribals." While Christians account for just 2.5 percent of India, their population in Kandhamal has risen sharply in recent decades, reaching nearly 20 percent by the last census in 2001.

Hindu militants say the reason for this is obvious: Missionaries are forcing or bribing people to convert, stealing followers from India's true religion.

'Our culture is being attacked'
"This is a kind of cultural invasion," Gauri Shankar Rath, a top official in the Orissa state VHP, the umbrella organization of Hindu nationalists, said in a telephone interview. "Our culture is being attacked."

Missionaries dismiss such accusations. And conversion does offer worldly benefits: For the low-caste, there's a partial escape from the stigmas of the Hindu caste system. Some missionaries also reach out to followers by building medical clinics and schools.

But as with much of India's violence, the obvious rationale for Kandhamal's bloodshed is really just one tile in a mosaic of discontent.

Much of the bitterness here is rooted in competition between two groups struggling at the bottom of India's social spectrum: the Panas and the Kandhas. The Panas are dalits, the group once known in India as "untouchables," while the Kandhas are tribals. The two have long competed for land, and more recently for jobs and school seats reserved by the government for the disadvantaged.

Over the past 20 years, the Kandhas have largely remained Hindu while many Panas have converted to Christianity, tangling religion into their conflict. Christians — even dalit converts — are not supposed to be eligible for reserved positions, but many Kandhas insist Pana Christian still find ways to get them. The Christians deny the accusation.

Militant group
Then there is politics.

Many of the attacks, victims say, were carried out by the Bajrang Dal, a militant group closely allied to the Bharatiya Janata Party, a Hindu nationalist political party that is part of Orissa's coalition government. The Hindu right-wing has long stirred up religious resentments as a way to shore up its voter base — and Orissa, as people here quickly point out, is expected to hold elections early next year.

"This isn't a war between Hindus and Christians," said Ugrasena Rana, a 32-year-old Hindu from Bujulimendi, a small village where a roaming gang burned down a half-dozen or so Christian homes after the swami was killed. "This is a war between the Bajrang Dal and the people who will not follow their commands."

In some ways, though, the Christians of Bujulimendi are lucky. Their Hindu neighbors have tried to protect them, and many Christian families now sleep in Hindu homes in case the mobs return.

The situation is grimmer outside the ransacked Baptist church, where villagers say their attackers included many people they knew.

That mob, about 50 people armed with knives, swords and clubs, stormed through the village, chanting the name of the Hindu god Ram as they destroyed the church and Christian homes.

Since then, smaller groups have returned repeatedly. There is seldom violence, but they state their message bluntly: convert or die. Eventually, villagers worry, the threat will be carried out.

"What can we do?" asked Digal, the man dangling his baby. "They are trying to force us to become Hindu."

So will he convert?

"I don't know," he said, staring down at the ground. "I haven't decided yet."

Own Me

2008-10-10T14:36:00.000-07:00

I was listening to Ginny Owens today. It had been a while since I had listened to her... it has been a while since I've listened to anything other than Incubus, Greenday, Tool, Metallica, or any of the like... I think that is a mistake. While it isn't a bad thing to listen to "secular" music, it is important that it is not the only music I hear.

In the cd I was listening to a majority of her songs called for radical Christianity. For Christian's to follow the example of Christ and take a stand. That is what I'm struggling with right now. What is it that I stand for? And how do I go about doing it? My dad may not have done the best of jobs raising me, but one thing I do appreciate about him is that he did not raise me to stand still, watch, and do nothing.

The question still stands though. How do I go about doing it?

One of her songs is titled Own Me

Got a stack of books,
So I could learn how to live;
Many are left half-read,
Covered by the cobwebs on my shelf.
And I got a list of laws,
Growing longer everyday;
If I keep pluggin' away,
Maybe one day I'll perfect myself.
Oh, but all of my labor,
Seems to be in vain;
And all of my laws,
Just cause me more pain;
So I fall before You,
In all of my shame;
Ready and willing to be changed-

Chorus:
Own me
Take all that I am,
And heal me
With the blood of the Lamb.
Mold me
With Your gracious hand;
Break me till I'm only Yours-
Own me

Oh, you call me Daughter,
And you take my blame;
And you run to meet me,
When I cry out Your name,
So I fall before You,
In all of my shame.
Lord, I am willing to be changed

One of the horrible things about my personality is that I sometimes allow the people God would use to bring me closer to Him and His truth to take precedence over Him. I lose focus of the reality that I don't belong to them... I don't even belong to me... I belong to a God and this is the only way I will be able to fully function.

What Happened To This Person?

2008-09-30T03:21:00.001-07:00

and how do I get her back?

I woke up about a half hour ago due to a nightmare. When I was reading through some of my old letters, I came across this insert.

Where did this person go?

Written 7-15-06
He is the reason why the lark sings, the moon shines, and the flowers spring.
He is the reason why the streams murmur, the rivers speak, and the oceans roar.
The purpose for life, the joy in death, the melody of our song, and the reason for breath.
He is our everything.

I'm a Pastor's kid, and those of you who are can understand when I say that we are expected to portray a certain image. So growing up I quickly became accustomed to acting as if everything was ok even though it wasn't. I never allowed myself to show weakness, and even though I was furious at someone I would not allow anyone else to notice. Even the one who had insulted me. Having to constantly play the part of the "Pastor's kid" has lead me to question whether or not I'm constantly playing the part of the "Christian". Do I make myself push aside everything I’m struggling with in order to portray what is expected of me?

Am i just being too hard on myself?

I have my good weeks and my bad weeks... I think this is one of my bad weeks.

"My lover is mine and I am his" S of S 2:16

2008-09-02T19:59:00.000-07:00

I had a dream a couple nights ago that I was married to Gollum, and by Gollum I mean the actor who brought him to life Andy Serkis.

I often times find myself thinking about the man I’m going to marry. I dream of him, and can sometimes feel him worshiping along with me when I play my guitar. I pray for the man he is becoming, and that God would continually mold him into the man he needs to be. I love him… I find it amazing that God could have me love someone I may not know yet.

I have a long list of things I look for in a man. I want a man who is passionate about God and makes Him first in his life, even if that means having to push me aside…a man who will continually encourage me to become a better version of me. Due to recent events I've added something to that lis. I want man who can be my safe harbor. Honestly, some days are just too hard. I want a man who I can find rest with. The one physical thing that I am looking forward to the most is not sex, even though I know it is amazing (you don’t have to bite the cookie to know how sweet it is), but rather always having someone to curl up with on the couch with to cuddle and just rest. I know we’ll have our arguments, but above all else I want peace to envelope our house.

I was talking to one of my guy friends this weekend, and after hearing how he is striving to become a better man for God and his future lover, I began to question my standing with mine. I have focused so much on what I want in a man that I never fully contemplated the notion that maybe I’m not what he wants. I’m neurotic, can be too sensitive when receiving criticism, and sometimes speak with out fully thinking how it can affect the other person. I was mistaken in thinking that this time of singleness was due to God molding my future husband into who he needs to be. In reality it is so I could continually be working to become that woman who my husband deserves. It is my responsibility not only to my lover, but to my God as well.

Daughters of Jerusalem, I charge you by the gazelles and by the does of the field: Do not arouse or awaken love until it so desires.
Song of Solomon 3:5

Till I see you again in my dreams…

Deffinition of Sad

2008-08-29T21:22:00.000-07:00

Eva is at home on a friday night wearing her pijamas and talking to her cats...

this is wrong...

Can't sleep.... so I blog

2008-08-21T23:32:00.000-07:00

Apparently my name not only originates from the Hebrew language, but Sanskrit too.

The name Eva comes from the Indian origin. In Sanskrit the meaning of the name Eva is: One who gives life.

Under the Hebrew origin the name means: Life. Living one. A variant of Eve.

Growing up, I never liked my name. My name in its entirety is Eva Patricia Munoz Ramirez. Eva after my grandmother, Patricia after my mother, Munoz is my father's last name, and while it is not on my birth certificate I took on my mother's maiden name out of Mexican tradition. If I was in Mexico I would keep my mother's maiden name until I got married. After that I would drop it and take on my husbands name, and my name would look something like this....

Eva Patricia Munoz de Whatever.

The "de" in my last name would mean that I know belong to my husband's family.

But back to why I didn't like my name... First of all it wasn't unique. I am the fourth woman in my family that I know of who has this name. Secondly, it will forever be associated with the fall of man. I remember feeling bad whenever that story was told at church. People would jokingly give me a dirty look whenever it was mentioned, but I took it to heart. So I really didn't like my name... but I'm beginning to see it in a different light.

A constant theme in my life is redemption. I think that is evident in my name as well.

Eve, along with Adam, sinned and as such brought on the Fall of man. It's funny how God was able to take the woman who brought death into the world and cause life to flow from her. He was able to take something ugly, and make it beautiful again.

Voices in my Head

2008-08-21T13:12:00.000-07:00

We all have them… some more severe than others.

They are the voices of our influencers. Our close family and friends, and of the saints both gone and still with us. Those who have encouraged us to do more, to be better, and even though sometimes they have failed their voices continue to push us so that we won’t. Answering the call of these voices have pushed me to become who I am today. Added to their ranks are the voices of the world’s victims.

I firmly believe God has called us to be a catalyst for change. To see the atrocities of this world and scream out NO.

I was accepted into NightLight as their fall intern. Twice a week I will be traveling to Los Angeles to either do administrative work for them or participate in their outreach events. As such I was asked to go to a conference where I could learn more about sex-trafficking and it was both intense and heartbreaking. The first day dealt with identifying victims of trafficking, the second with assessing the needs, and the third with creating a program that met those needs and discovering our part in meeting them.

The majority of the women in prostitution are in it because they have either been trafficked or in some way coerced. Women who have been kidnapped, raped, or threatened with the murder of loved ones if they do not comply. I saw a documentary where 86% of the prostituted women would leave this life behind if they could. It is a modern day form of slavery. Women and children are bought and sold for the benefit of others.

Sex trafficking is not just found in prostitution, but online pornography as well. This is what the part of our outreach will be based on. We will not only be educating people on how to identify sex-trafficking, but helping put a stop to it by educating people. One act of prostitution defiles a person as a one-time event that can potentially be repeated. Online pornography defiles a person not only as a one-time event that can be repeated, but that single event will continue in files and in the minds of people who have seen it. It is a continual victimization.

Prostitution and pornography defiles a person because it strips them of their God-Given dignity and makes them less than human. It makes them into an object. We cannot destroy a human, but we can an object. Furthermore, when a person views pornography it opens the doors to wanting more. Soft porn can lead to wanting to view something more adventurous and eventually to engaging a prostitute. In today’s church one in every two men have or are struggling with pornography. One in every four Pastors does too. So there is a huge sense of urgency here. Prostitution is all about supply and demand. The greater the demand, the more people are trafficked. But if the demand is decreased or all together stopped, trafficking will end.

Looking at my generation, I am seeing a stirring in the waters. People are rising up and speaking out. Some would call it a fad, but I see it as something more. If those who are working will stay committed, change can occur. Where our parents called for Civil Reform, we are crying out for Global Reform and I firmly believe this can be obtained.

Some Helpful Websites:

http://www.faastinternational.org/

http://www.stopthetraffik.org/default.aspx

http://www.salvationarmyusa.org/trafficking

Is not this the kind of fasting I have chosen: to loose the chains of injustice and untie the cords of the yoke? Is it not to share your food with the hungry and to provide the poor wanderer with shelter- when you see the naked, to clothe him, and not to turn away from your own flesh and blood? Then you light will break forth like the dawn, and your healing will quickly appear; then your righteousness will go before you, and the glory of the Lord will be your rear guard. Then you will call and the Lord will answer; you will cry for help, and He will say: Here I am.
Isaiah 58:6-9

Random Memories

2008-08-21T09:37:00.000-07:00

A passage way found in the Red Fort in India

A Sikh Temple

India Gate, to commemorate all the Indians who lost their lives in the Second World War as they fought for Britain.

The Taj Mahal

The Bible speaks of treating others with kindness because people of the past have spoken to angels without knowing it. I think I met one outside this temple called the Lotus Temple. India runs under the Caste System. People who are born into poverty and oppression will die under poverty and oppression because that is their lot in life. The weight of the system was wearing me down that day, and I didn't want to be there. Then Mercy showed up outside this temple. She was a Christian that came up to us. When I asked her where she was from, she said, "North" and pointed up. I asked her what she came to do, and she said "I'm here on official buisness." She had a kind smile and was so full of light that it eased the burden I felt. I'm really glad she was sent to us.

Ode To Joy

2008-08-15T18:19:00.003-07:00

This makes me smile : )

Compasion

2008-08-05T11:30:00.000-07:00

Warning: The following may not be suitable for all audiences
Reader Discretion is Advised.

I love this song. It’s by Everlast and it’s called “What It’s Like”

We've all seen the man at the liquor store beggin' for your change
The hair on his face is dirty, dreadlocked and full of mange
He ask the man for what he can spare with shame in his eyes
Get a job you fuckin' slob is all he replied.

[CHORUS]
God forbid you ever had to walk a mile in his shoes
'Cause then you really might know what it's like to sing the blues
Then you really might know what it's like…

Mary got pregnant from a kid named Tom who said he was in love
He said don't worry about a thing baby doll
I'm the man you've been dreamin' of
But three months later he said he won't date her or return her call
And she sweared damn if I find that man I'm cuttin' off his balls
And she heads for the clinic and she gets some static walkin' through the door
They call her a killer, and they call her a sinner, and they call her a whore

[CHORUS]
God forbid you ever had to walk a mile in her shoes
'Cause then you really might know what it's like to have to choose
Then you really might know what it's like…

I've seen a rich man beg
I've seen a good man sin
I've seen a tough man cry
I've seen a loser win
And a sad man grin
I heard an honest man lie
I've seen the good side of bad
And the down side of up
And everything between
I licked the silver spoon
Drank from the golden cup
Smoked the finest green
I stroked the daddy's dimes at least a couple of times
Before I broke their heart
You know where it ends
Yo, it usually depends on where you start

I knew this kid named Max, he used to get fat stacks on the corner with drugs
He liked to hang out late He liked to get shit faced and keep pace with thugs
Until late one night there was a big gun fight & Max lost his head
He pulled out his chrome .45 talked some shit and wound up dead
Now his wife and his kids are caught in the midst of all of his pain
You know it crumbles that way At least that's what they say, when you play the game

[CHORUS]
God forbid you ever had to wake up to hear the news
'Cause then you really might know what it's like to have to lose

Then you really might know what it's like
To have to lose...

First of all, let me start off by saying that I don’t think that abortion is right, and having ministered for eight years in a gang infested environment has shown me there is no honor in “defending” a street that will never belong to me. Because of my life in Christ, I am called to live by a different standard, a standard that those who are still caught in the world are not under and could never understand. This is another example of what it means to be caught in darkness. It is the inability to see what you are doing, or to see what you’ve done. One day we will all be judged by God for what we did, and within us some will be counted blameless because of what Jesus did.

What I’m asking for is for us to stop blind condemnation and let compassion and mercy rule.

I’ve shared this with you before… when I was training to go to Rwanda, I firmly believed I would only be ministering among the Tutsi who were the victims of the genocide. Halfway through I realized this was not to be the case and I began to question my ability to love these people. Kristen was wise to pick up on this possibility and spent a good part of one of our nights reminding us of how we are not above those people we would be ministering to. Within us all lays the ability for any kind of sin, even murder. Fear… Hate… Lust… these are all parts of our human nature, but it is by the grace of God that we are given the means to not mess up, and it is by His blood that we are cleansed if we had.

I’ve been struggling a lot spiritually this last year. A lot of it is because of the choices I’ve made and the people I’ve let influence me. Another part is because I’ve lost my focus. I’ve been called to work in developing countries. I want to take a more Holistic approach to ministry. My conviction is while it wonderful to tell people about the Lord, if we are doing nothing to meet their physical, emotional, and mental needs then we are missing a part of a Christ-Like approach to ministry. That is why I’ve applied to work for Nightlight. It is an organization that seeks out women and children who are trapped in prostitution. To this date they have about 80 women in their shelters in Bangkok, Thailand and of these about 60 have given their life to the Lord. The Los Angeles office works to distribute the jewelry these women make, and seeks to educate people on sex trafficking with the hopes that this will one day end.

We all have our preconceived notions, I know I have mine about prostitution. But I don’t want to see through that lens anymore. I want to see what He saw when it was written, When he saw the crowds, he had compassion on them, because they were harassed and helpless, like sheep without a shepherd. Matthew 9:36

Another Great Verse is:

"Teacher, which is the greatest commandment in the Law? Jesus replied: Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind. This is the first and greatest commandment. And the second is like it: 'Love your neighbor as yourself. All the Law and the Prophets hang on these two commandments." Matthew 22: 36-40

You see my friends… it all hinges on love. Whether or not we love God and other people more than we love ourselves.

yours

Papitas con Cebolla y Tomate

2008-07-31T21:54:00.001-07:00

The above translates to Potatoes with Onion and Tomatoe. It's one of the first Mexican dishes I learned to make.

When I was little, my parents worked really hard to make sure we were always taken care of. One took a job in the morning and another in the evening. This way someone would always be present to take care of me and my sisters. My dad had the night job, so he would always cook us our breakfast. Now... my dad is not the best of cooks. I firmly believe that if my mom died, my father would soon follow due to starvation. Every day for two months my dad the blender to make us each a Slimfast shake for lunch. To change things up a bit, he would add strawberrys one day or a raw egg the other. According to the label it had all the vitamins and nutrients a person needs. So my father banked on that and fed it to his three daughters.

After a while he decided to try actual cooking.... He fed us scrambled eggs for two consecutive months after that. So at the tender age of ten, I learned how to cook... Not because I liked it, even though I do now... but out of survival. I was 14 before I could eat scrambled eggs again... never had Slimfast since.

Now I love cooking... I find that it is a good stress reliever since I tend to pour my emotions into my food. My family can always tell my mood by how spicy, bland, or amazing my food is. I look forward to having my own place one day. Something you should know about the Mexican community is that so much is centered around the table. We love to feed and be fed and I look forward to having my own kitchen to do that one day.

Charlie the Unicorn 2

2008-07-21T21:58:00.001-07:00

Toodoodoo doo doo...

Charlie The Unicorn

2008-07-21T21:56:00.001-07:00

Hmmm... I could use a kidney....

The Manhunt Continues

2008-07-17T16:35:00.000-07:00

Just because I’ve stopped writing about it does not mean I’ve stopped thinking about it.

I’ve always been told that the attraction is another person is physical first, then emotional, spiritual… whatever. I never fully believed it until recently...

Wanting to test this theory out I took out my Aztec war paint and gear. When my grandma Tina is in town, we usually spend Tuesdays running errands and making dinner. I woke up extra early one Tuesday morning showered, fixed my hair, put on make-up and a cute outfit. I picked up my grandma and went to the grocery store and a bunch of other places. It was interesting to see how many men smiled at me and tried to get eye contact. The reason why I did this with my grandma is because even though she is 4’10” and weights about a 100 pounds, she is not a woman you want to mess with. I have a 6’3” 200 pounds plus guy friend who is afraid of her. I knew I would be safe under her care.

I then went on to change the profile pictures to my Myspace and Facebook accounts to ones that were more feminine and flattering. I continued to get messages from guys that wanted to meet me. Most never went past the initial hello, one got bored after realizing I wanted to start out as friends, but one guy is sticking it out. He knows that I move really slowly, but he’s still there. Don’t know what’s going to happen to that one...

I think my main issue these days is loneliness. I have amazing friends who I feel so close to even though we live so far apart. In that regards I’m not lonely. But there are other needs that haven't been met. Men and women were not created to be alone, and while some do have the gift of celibacy, I don’t.

In John Piper’s book “Desiring God” he talks about marriage being the pattern for Christ’s relationship to the church. Just as Christ gave his life for the church so should the husband for his wife. Just like the church serves to please God, so should the wife the husband. None of this is done out of a sense of duty, because that would void everything. But rather it is done out of a sincere love for one another. I love taking care of people not because it is my duty as a minister of the faith, older sister, or friend but because I truly want to. It makes me happy to see others taken care of.

I want that to be part of my life and I'm sad it hasn’t happened yet.

Kasten is the “John” that I go to when seeking advice on the males of our species. Since he is a guy, I consider him to be an expert. It is because of him and my other Johns/Jons that I’ve been kept out of a lot of trouble. They taught me that I deserved a lot better than what I allowed myself to have. They are a great example of what I should look for in a man. (Included in this list are my sister, Jaime, and Marina who offer a Biblical-Feminine Perspective)

I want someone who is genuinely devoted to God, and seeks to please Him above anyone else. Someone who will love God more than he loves me but loves me more than he loves himself. Someone who can take care of me and put up with all my neurotic tendencies. I would like a passionate man. I am a passionate person and I need someone who can match that… I want a Mark Anthony to my Cleopatra, a Wesley to my Buttercup, a Gomez Adams to my Mortitia, a Lawson to my Laura… I really want a man who will call me on my crap and make me want to be a better person. A man like Rambo, because when my butt has been captured by some Burmese rebels I want a man who will go in and save it. (To get this reference, you may need to watch the last installment off Rambo) Most importantly I want a man whose home is found in God and will follow Him to any nation, because for as long as he follows God, I will follow him... I'm a cuddler... someone who is the same would be nice.

A couple years ago Kasten and I watched “Apocalypto”. Being the huge dork that I am I fell in love with the lead guy in the film. In many ways he embodied the list above… except for the loincloth. I turned to him and asked him if he thought I’d ever find my hunter. He said, “No. He’ll find you.”

I talked to him a couple days ago about all of this. He told me how it really is all about waiting on God’s timing. Doing something other than this could just cause problems. Besides that, what kind of choice is made when it is done in desperation? I would be greatly offended if someone wanted to date me not because he liked me, but because he thought it would be a good idea.

So what more is to be done than to take off my Aztec war paint, gear and wait?

While the physical may be what initially attracts people, it is the spiritual, emotional, and mental connection that truelove is based on. I want to one-day date and eventually marry my best friend. This is based on much more than what we initially see.

Realness

2008-07-10T10:49:00.000-07:00

A couple of years ago a group of us got together to catch up. It was the summer I went to India and some in our ISP team decided to meet up at one of our leader's home. The conversation quickly turned to God and our walk with Him. Being at a time of a spiritual high, I started talking about how wonderful it was to be so tightly grafted to God. Lawson Moore started talking about being careful not to take it for granted. There come times in every Christian's life where the peaks can turn into valleys very quickly. I didn't want to believe him, I truly believed that if one were always careful, the high would never end...not true.

When Jesus spoke about the unclean entering the mouth, he was more concerned about what exited. This is what would give testimony of what was in the heart.

Kristen White was one of my mentors while I was at CBU. A group of us would meet once a week in order to learn from each other and keep each other accountable. I mostly kept silent during these meetings because I wanted to learn as much as I could. In one of our last meetings Kristen, knowing that we would eventually become disconnected from one another, encouraged each of us to find a new accountability group. I didn't and I think that was my downfall. I have amazing friends who love me and encourage me and I love them back. But there is a difference between this and a time of focused Bible study and being real with each other and our struggles.

I've been blessed to work in a place where the only Christian is one who is new to the faith and I am mentoring. I've had countless opportunities to speak about God and eternity. One of the girls who cusses better than anyone I've ever met told me how instead of saying her usual battery of words found herself saying "Gosh Golly Darn it" and was surprised how I had rubbed off on her. But if I don't graft myself to God, I'm going to fail her. I've noticed a difference in the way I act, I speak, and react to things... it's not good.

A couple weeks ago my pastor gave a sermon on the promises God made in the Bible. My pastor challenged us to call upon those promises. If He is God he cannot lie. Therefore His word is true and He must fulfill His promises. This is not something new to me... Jeff Lewis said the same thing a couple years ago in one of his classes. If we are lonely, God promised we would never walk alone, call Him on that promise. If we are tiered, God spoke of how His burden is light, call on that. And on go the promises, and on go our responsibility...

Furthermore, our relationship with God is just like any other relationship. We all choose how far we go... how invested.. how real and intimate. I need to make a choice and not be fearful of where it might lead me.

Perfect Love

2008-07-02T10:25:00.000-07:00

Because of the LORD's great love we are not consumed, for his compassions never fail.They are new every morning; great is your faithfulness. I say to myself, "The LORD is my portion; therefore I will wait for him." The LORD is good to those whose hope is in him, to the one who seeks him
Lamentations 3: 22-25

I struggle a lot with guilt and often times begin to question His calling on my life. What if I can't do it? What if I'm not strong enough. But the answer to my question is simple... I can't... and I'm not... But the God who can not fail is.

Furthermore who am I to question His reasoning. Guilt is an offshoot of pride... strange huh... It is the assumption that we deserve all that we have, but have failed by our own strenghth. Rather life is a gift that is not hinged on our power, but by His grace. So there is no shame, no guilt, no fear. Just perfect love.

Creatively Created to Create

2008-06-08T22:53:00.000-07:00

The idea of mankind and the reasons as to why we were created have been running though my head lately. I had a good discussion with my friend Katie today. We were discussing Jesus and how He is depicted in media today. Whether it be in theater, movies, or drawings. If we filled our minds with these images and nothing other… would we recognize Him if He stood in front of us?

I think the need to worship is deeply imbedded in human nature, and creating images is just one outlet. Think about it… humans as early as cavemen adorned their homes with images of the things they valued most. Granted, that some of the images out there were meant to mock God and not worship. If that is the case, I find it deeply offensive and worthy of words I cannot say here. But those who do this as homage to God should be encouraged to continue.

So… when we look at these images I think we should do so with the understanding that no matter how beautifully they depict God… how compassionate… how kind… the real portrait of who He is, is so much more beautiful… so much more compassionate… so much more kind… just so much more.

Furthermore, I pose that if God is the Creator of all things, and we are made in His image, how can we not create? How can we not paint…take pictures… sing… play music… speak… write… or act… In doing so we are constantly reworking, redefining, and recreating the world around us into one that is more in tune with the will of God. To not do so would be to accept the status quo, and stagnant waters only fester and pollute.

I must create a system, or be enslav’d by another man’s. I will not reason and compare: my business is to create

William Blake
as written in Jerusalem

Many thanks

2008-06-06T22:22:00.001-07:00

There are many reasons why I love people…
One reason is that they will always surprise you. I’ve had the privilege of knowing some of my friends for over five years now, and they still manage to surprise me. Then again… what else is to be expected from those who were Creatively Created by the Creator of all Creation?

Another reason is the potential they hold. I strongly believe that no one is beyond God’s redemption. To say that someone cannot be saved is to say that God is not enough. God can remold even the dirtiest, broken vessel into a work of art. That is beauty.

I am very thankful to the people who made this a really good birthday. My family who took me out to dinner last night, my sister Cristina who baked me a cake, Katie and Sheryl who went with me tonight to watch “Kung Foo Panda” (an awesome movie by-the-way) and all the people who either called me, sent me a card, or wrote on my facebook and myspace walls. Some of them being people I haven’t talked to in a while, but still cared.

Thank you for making me feel loved.

Proper Dating Attire

2008-06-01T22:53:00.000-07:00

The time is 7:45 on a Friday evening.

The setting, a hallway in a quaint home located in the heart of Santa Ana, CA.

Eva, our young heroine, enters stage left dressed in sandals, blue jeans, and a red sweatshirt. She stands in front of a mirror and begins to unceremoniously pull back her long hair to form a "messy bun". With out a hint of make up on her face she begins to leave the house in order to join her sister and a friend in watching a movie. Her mother enters stage right.

Mom: Where are you going?

Eva: Cristina, Rosa and me are going to a movie.

Mom: You're going dressed like that?

Eva looks down at herself, turns up to look at her mom and shrugs.

Mom: You say you want to find a man, but you never will looking like that. Fix your self up... Do something with that hair!

Eva walks over to the mirror, and takes a closer look at herself. She then proceeds to take down her hair, comb it back, and creates a "clean bun". She then opens her purse and puts cherry colored chap stick on her lips.

Eva: That's better.

Eva walks past her mother who still has a disapproving look on her face. Eva begins to open the door and smiles to herself.

Mexican word of the Day

2008-05-26T00:01:00.000-07:00

My friend sent this to me. Here are some words to help you should you find yourself among my people.

There are seven, one for every day of this week.

MEXICAN WORD OF THE DAY: WATER
My mammasita gets mad so mush and I don't even know water problem is!

MEXICAN WORD OF THE DAY: BRIEF
My homie farted real bad, and I couldn't brief.

MEXICAN WORD OF THE DAY: MUSHROOM
Oh man, when all my familia gets in the car, thereʼs not mushroom.

MEXICAN WORD OF THE DAY: CHICKEN
My mamma wanted me to go to the store, but chicken go by herself.

MEXICAN WORD OF THE DAY: LIVER & CHEESE
Some dude tried to sweet talk my babe. I told him, hey loco liver alone, cheese mine.

MEXICAN WORD OF THE DAY: JULY
Ju tol me ju were goin to the store and July to me! Julyer!

MEXICAN WORD OF THE DAY: WAFER
I wanted to go with my mamasita to the flea market but she didn't wafer me!

Fire

2008-05-12T19:28:00.000-07:00

So... I have a 12 page paper due tomorrow as well as a final... time for bloggin

This is my favorite Van Gogh painting. It's called the Mulberry Tree. I love its texture, use of color, and the way it seems to radiate out. Whenever I look at it, I'm reminded of fire...pure all consuming fire... and I remember the way I used to burn. I want to return to those days. When I saw and understood purpose.

I need to wake up.

Mercy

2008-05-08T11:25:00.000-07:00

Praise God!!!!!

I have hand the hand of Mercy extended upon me by my professor. I have one more week to finish up my work and turn it in!

Yay!!!! I won't Fail!!!

Into-Me-See

2008-04-24T15:52:00.001-07:00

True intimacy is not achieved by a sexual act. It is not the holding of hands or the looking longinly into the eyes of another. Dr. Grimes, a Christian Studies professor of mine, once described it best by breaking it down into Into-Me-See. It is the ability to look into a person, not just at them. To stand naked before another while being fully clothed.

True Intimacy is so rare these days. Our fears cause us to push up barriers. If another saw us as we truly are, would they still see us as beautiful? Would they still be our friend?

The mystery of you surrounds me. Reaching out to your ever present hands I am comforted. Naked I stand before You, but You do not walk away. From barren hands life springs forth, because you are the giver of Life.

Mawwage

2008-04-15T11:01:00.001-07:00

I was in the midst of studying for my New Testament exam and I found this:

But if you do marry, you have not sinned; and if a virgin marries, she has not sinned. But those who marry will face many troubles in this life, and I want to spare you this.
1Corinthians 7:28

I thought it was too funny not to post.

My friends will often times hear me complain about how much I want to be married that I am willing to apply for a mail-order-husband. I'm only joking... kind of...

I do want to get married, but not right now. Right now there is too much to do. I have to finish school, get myself financially secure, and most importantly become spiritually, emotionally, and mentally ready.

I will get married one day... but I can hold off on the "headache" for now : )

Before I leave this world...

2008-04-04T19:38:00.000-07:00

There are a couple of things that I want to do:

10: Take a month long road trip traveling through the Northern United States and Canada

I love going on roadtrips. Not really knowing where you're going kind of excites me. I want to take a summer off if possible and just roam the northern United States and Canada. I want to live in the back seat of my car, shower in the river, poop in the woods... yeah... that's the life for me.

9: Smuggle Bibles into a Communist Country

Well... kind of already did this...there is an awesome story behind this so feel free to ask me.

8. See Italy

Among all forms of art architecture is one of my top five. I would love to visit this country and just walk the cities and soak it all in.

7. Become an old lady

This might seem kind of stupid, but if you really think about it not everyone makes it. I want to be an interesting old lady though. The kind of old woman the nieghborhood gangsters fear and respect, but children love. When my body is no longer able to work, I want to be the Lord's bard. A person who tells His story.

6. Walk the Great Wall of China

Of all the continents in the world I love Asia the most. With her warm-hearted people and her mountains looking like jagged emeralds my heart was found and left there. I would love to walk the great wall which is the symbol of Asian greatness.

5. Private, very private : )

Trust me... you don't want to know.

4. Be arrested for a good cause

You have not fully lived until you have heard, "We have the Place surrounded, come out with your hands up!"

3. Become my Husbands Muse

I want to be an inspiration to many people, but my husband will be the most important.

2. Give Birth

I really want to be a mother. It's in my nature.

1. Hear the voice of my Savior call me home

I want His voice to be the last thing I hear.

Flyleaf-Fully Alive

2008-04-01T12:56:00.001-07:00

Telling Layla's story spoken
'Bout how all her bones are broken
Hammers fall on all the pieces
Two months in the cover creases

Fully alive
More than most
Ready to smile and love life
Fully alive and she knows
How to believe in futures

All my complaints shrink to nothing
I'm ashamed of all my somethings
She's glad for one day of comfort
Only because she has suffered

Fully alive
More than most
Ready to smile and love life
Fully alive and she knows
How to believe in futures

I'm ready to live, ready to breathe, ready to be...to be found in You. Ready to smile and love life.

I have such a heart for music. I struggle with bouts with depression. But the Lord is always there to see me through and bring me back to life. He provides me with people who love me and care for my wounds and He provides me with music that inspires me to unite myself to Him.

He is the reason why I can't help but sing, in the same way that music was used to bring me back to Him, I want to use music to bring others to the only one who can heal and restore.

Cautivo

2008-04-01T00:07:00.000-07:00

Tus ojos caen sobre mi como la lluvia
Tu eres mi voz y mi sonreír

Cuando sus voces no me dejan descansar
Y cuando mis manos no paran de temblar
Ahí tu estarás a mi lado

Sea mi aliento
Sea mi motivo
Sea mi amor
Porque soy tu Cautivo

Seek Ye First

2008-03-25T13:36:00.000-07:00

Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or drink; or about your body, what you will wear. Is not life more important than food, and the body more important than clothes? Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them…And why do you worry about clothes? See how the lilies of the field grow. They do not labor or spin. Yet I tell you that not even Solomon in all his splendor was dressed like one of these…But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well.

Matt 6: 25-33

I write these letters for many reasons… One is to show you the God who is worthy of all Praise, another is to make you think, or just to make you laugh, even if it means making myself look like an idiot. If you laugh, it’s worth it.

This letter is partially in response to my previous letter and partially to the things that are going on around me.

I spent a good part of my Sunday evening talking to a friend of mine who was going through some issues with motherhood. She was afraid she would not be the woman her son needed as a mother. I spent some more time talking to a loved one about marital issues and the uncertainty that is going to come. I’ve spent time talking to brothers and sisters in the faith about dating and relationships. And I’ve spent a lot of time worrying about a job opportunity and personal health issues. As always I turn to my man and the one who watches over me.

This verse came to mind when my Life Span Development professor was teaching on the decisions Young Adults face. People between the ages of 18-35 are faced with having to choose a mate and a career. I do not fear being married to a man, I fear marrying the wrong man. I asked him how I would know who was the right man for me. He quoted Erwin McManus, “When you are passionate about God, you can trust your passions.”

At this point in our lives we should not be worried about finding the right man or gaining the perfect career. Our main focus should be on becoming that Man and that Woman God wants us to become. The more we let God infiltrate us, the more we become like Him and are able to make the right choices. We gain His wisdom, His perception, and a heart like His. When that happens, everything will fall into place. We will become that mother, father, wife, husband, girlfriend, boyfriend, sister, brother, friend, co-worker and boss that we are meant to be. Things may not always be perfect, but they will be as they should be.

But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well.

Do not store up for yourselves treasures on earth, where moth and rust destroy, and where thieves break in and steal. But store up for yourselves treasures in heaven, where moth and rust do not destroy, and where thieves do not break in and steal. For where your treasure is, there your heart will be also.

Matthew 6: 19-21

My Man

2008-03-13T14:28:00.000-07:00

The Journey Ends…

So… a while back ago, when I was still going to CBU, I was waiting for a friend so we could walk to Chapel together. I didn’t know what time it was but I knew it was starting to get late. I started to rummage through my bag to find my cell phone and when I saw the time I shrieked and started power walking to chapel. There I found other friends and sat down next to them. In doing so I realized that I had lost my favorite bracelet. It was simple, no gold or silver, diamonds or rubies, just a couple beads and string. It was my evangelism bracelet. I would use it every day at the children’s center I worked at. Through its colors I would share the story of the most Amazing and Beautiful person I had ever met. It is fulfilling to see how the children so readily understood and wanted to know more. They weren’t jaded or skeptical, they just knew there was something out there that was greater and stronger than anything they had ever been exposed to and they were fascinated to find out how deeply this One loved them. Seeing that I had lost it left me heartbroken.

But I had a Brilliant Idea! I decided to pray that God would return it to me. Not only that, I asked that God would have my man deliver my bracelet back to me. This is how I would know he was the right guy for me. I knew that God had heard my prayer and said yes, He would return my bracelet to me by the hand of the one who would be my man.

After beautiful moments of worship through music, it was time to bring out my Bible. I opened my bag and once again started to rummage through it. God has an amazing sense of humor. There, laying on top of the rim of my Bible was my bracelet.

So you see… God has already given me a man. He’s a little short and chubby, but his pages are marked, worn, and familiar. I have a hard time when I am away from him for a long time. Though I’ve used other peoples “men”, and for the most part they are exactly the same, for some reason they don’t give me the same satisfaction that mine gives me. We have a special bond, this Bible and I.

So this is what I’ve decided to focus on. Enjoying life with my man, and, as Joelle said, the God of the universe who can't take his eyes off of me.

Flyleaf: All Around Me (music video)

2008-03-04T11:02:00.001-08:00

Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation; the old has gone, the new has come!
-2 Corinthians 5:17

My hands are searching for you
My arms are outstretched towards you
I feel you on my fingertips
My tongue dances behind my lips for you

This fire rising through my being
Burning I'm not used to seeing you

I'm alive, I'm alive

I can feel you all around me
Thickening the air I'm breathing
Holding on to what I'm feeling
Savoring this heart that's healing

My hands float up above me
And you whisper you love me
And I begin to fade
Into our secret place

The music makes me sway
The angels singing say we are alone with you
I am alone and they are too with you

I'm alive, I'm alive

I can feel you all around me
Thickening the air I'm breathing
Holding on to what I'm feeling
Savoring this heart that's healing

And so I cry
The light is white
And I see you

I'm alive, I'm alive, I'm alive

I can feel you all around me
Thickening the air I'm breathing
Holding on to what I'm feeling
Savoring this heart that's healing

Take my hand
I give it to you
Now you own me
All I am
You said you would never leave me
I believe you
I believe

I can feel you all around me
Thickening the air I'm breathing
Holding on to what I'm feeling
Savoring this heart that's healed

How beautiful is the one who created me. Who redeemed me from the darkness where I made my bed, and breathed into me new life. He envelopes me in the warmth of his being and is a constant presence in my life.

Please pray for Flyleaf as they tour with bands such as Korn, may they be a good testamony to what life can be when you are found in Him.

How to handle a goodnight kiss

2008-02-26T16:15:00.001-08:00

For guys who just don't know how

Jeff Dunham and Peanut part 3

2008-02-21T09:29:00.001-08:00

HA !!!

Linkin Park - What I've Done

2008-02-20T22:54:00.001-08:00

I love going to Riverside on the weekends. It's nice to be around people that speak your same language.

This last weekend was especially nice. After being gone for a while, I got to spend time with one of my best guy friends. We spent a long time talking about our lives, where they were going, and what we want to see happen in them. We spoke of hope, and seeing beauty in the world around us. This is probably what inspired me to blog these last two entries.

I love this song because it is the perfect depiction of mercy. I know myself, I know the things I have done. I know I have been forgiven, but I must forgive myself too. To shed the guilt so that I truely see myself as God does. Only then will I be free to be, free to work as He would have me.

"So let mercy come and wash away what I've done"

And though it was the darkest night, the Son still rose.

2008-02-19T16:13:00.000-08:00

Hope. Hope is that which keeps mankind moving

Hope is the motivation and the cure

The promise that which has happened will not always be

It is the promise... tomorrow will soon come

With new life and restroration riding on its tail

Hope is the answer, Hope is the way

Hope is nothing this world can give

It is a gift from the one seated on the throne

The Son who rose

Through His eyes we can see

The beauty in this ugly world

On love and being loved

2008-02-14T15:00:00.001-08:00

A couple of you have asked me how my quest for a man is coming along. Since it’s Valentine’s Day, I thought I should update you.

I recently visited my parent’s church. After the service had ended I couldn’t help but notice a young man who was smiling at me. I smiled back and continued to make small talk with the people around me. Every so often I would lift my eyes to find his eyes and smiled had not moved. After ten minutes of playing “googlie eyes” I came to realize that I am now 24 years old, and have no time for foolishness. My little sister just got married last summer, and I had to endure more than half my family and friends asking me when I was going to do the same. I stood straight, locked eyes with him, and began to slowly move toward him. Trying to do my best impersonation of a cat I tilted my head down and gently rolled my hips from side to side. As I got closer his smile got wider, until he realized that I was moving past him and out the door.

What I lack in shame, I make up for in pride. I am more than fine asking a guy friend to hang out, but romantically I would never make the first move.

I need to talk to my Johns (Jons). They have done nothing to help me find a man. I am a 24-year-old grad student living at home with her parents, and I have two cats. I don’t think they understand the severity of my situation. I have been on dates though…and by dates I mean one… and by one I mean a blind date set up by a friend at work. I must say that the date ended in a sturdy handshake, an awkward sides hug, and under the understanding that this will never go beyond friendship, and that’s ok with me.

When I go on a date I do a couple things to ensure my safety. First of all I make sure I at least know some history on the guy, secondly I wear my cross necklace, and thirdly I don’t shave my legs. I do the last two just in case he tries to get “frisky”. If one doesn’t stop him, then I hope the other will. If that doesn’t work my Jujitsu-practicing-Pastor and my military brother-in-law have taught me moves that I am VERY eager to try out.

I am by no means lonely though. I have my family, my sisters in the faith, my Johns (Jons) and people who take good care of me. A couple weeks ago my truck broke down and my friends Mike and McCormick came to help me. The same thing happened last week and my cousins fixed the starter so I could drive home. I love writing as a means of communicating, but other than that words mean very little to me. I feel loved by what people do, not by what they say. I feel very loved by people around me.

Happy Valentine's Day! I pray you are all feeling loved.

And now... Pictures

2008-01-22T21:29:00.000-08:00

I sometimes find myself thinking back on the people I've met over the years, the roads I've walked, and the emotions that rushed through me during it all.

I carry these places, these people with me. They have been burned into me.

These are some of my favorite pictures from those places.

I love this picture for many reasons. One is the depiction of family and closeness. Another is how the little girl is reaching out. The world cries out for a Savior, but blind themselves to Him.

One of the ministries we had while in India were the street children. I found it funny that they crawled all over and covered an American Icon. That's Ronald McDonald if you can't tell.

I love this picture because they are all looking to a different direction. There is a lot of uncertainty in this area of the world.

I love this picture for its vibrancy. The people are like these umbrellas... beautiful, delicate, yet strong. I don't know what to think of my trip to China. There is still so much I need to sort through.

2008-01-03T11:44:00.000-08:00

The whole earth’s is the Lord’s and everything in it. Psalms 24:1

Christmas at my house was… interesting. A couple days before we decided to decorate the house with lights. If you are familiar with the Griswald Family movies you understand what I say when I tell you it was shear chaos. At one point in time my sister and I decided to take over only to nearly break the front windows with the ladder. If my big sister would have been there it would have been something straight out of the Three Stooges.

Yeah… it was magical.

I am currently working at an animal hospital where I work four ten-hour shifts. During this time I was forced to endure countless hours of the same Christmas songs over and over again. Some were very annoying; others like Jars of Clay’s “Drummer Boy” were inspiring. When I first heard this song a couple years ago, I broke down crying saying “Jesus I’ll play my drum for you.” But my all time favorite Christmas song is and forever will be “Mary did you Know”

Did she have any clue as to what was to become of her son? Did she grasp the light that finally pierced the darkness? How generations had waited for this day, and how so many today long for his return? Could she fathom the impact this infant would have on the course of history? How nations would come to worship him? Mary did you know?

The blind will see, the deaf will hear
The dead will live again
The lame will leap, the dumb will speak
The praises of the Lamb

To fear God is to know him. What other alternative is there? Who can say that they have been in the presence of God and not fallen prostrate? Who can say they have not marveled at the sight of his creations? HE is the one who created the heavens and the earth. The one who seared the sun in the sky, and causes the moon to graze the night. He molded man into being and breathed breath into his lungs. The God who caused torrents of water and fire to fall from the sky is the same God who reigns today. How can I not fear? I fear Him for who HE is, for what He has done, for what He can do. Compared to His majesty I am nothing. Compared to His might I can do nothing. And all of this leads to comfort.

I know of His wrath, I know of his might, I know he is a jealous God, but I also know of His great mercy. This great rock that will be unmoved, unshaken, and remain unbroken is the one who shields me, is the one who goes before me, is the one who loves me. How can I not love Him in return? This fear has lead to my comfort, and this comfort to my unyielding love. A love I pray will be strengthened this coming year.

Psalm 147
1 Praise the LORD.
How good it is to sing praises to our God,
how pleasant and fitting to praise him!
2 The LORD builds up Jerusalem;
he gathers the exiles of Israel.
3 He heals the brokenhearted
and binds up their wounds.
4 He determines the number of the stars
and calls them each by name.
5 Great is our Lord and mighty in power;
his understanding has no limit.
6 The LORD sustains the humble
but casts the wicked to the ground.
7 Sing to the LORD with thanksgiving;
make music to our God on the harp.
8 He covers the sky with clouds;
he supplies the earth with rain
and makes grass grow on the hills.
9 He provides food for the cattle
and for the young ravens when they call.
10 His pleasure is not in the strength of the horse,
nor his delight in the legs of a man;
11 the LORD delights in those who fear him,
who put their hope in his unfailing love.
12 Extol the LORD, O Jerusalem;
praise your God, O Zion,
13 for he strengthens the bars of your gates
and blesses your people within you.
14 He grants peace to your borders
and satisfies you with the finest of wheat.
15 He sends his command to the earth;
his word runs swiftly.
16 He spreads the snow like wool
and scatters the frost like ashes.
17 He hurls down his hail like pebbles.
Who can withstand his icy blast?
18 He sends his word and melts them;
he stirs up his breezes, and the waters flow.
19 He has revealed his word to Jacob,
his laws and decrees to Israel.
20 He has done this for no other nation;
they do not know his laws.
Praise the LORD.

Ashes Ashes...We all fall down...

2007-12-11T19:34:00.000-08:00

Ok... So I got in my first car crash tonight. It was a stupid mistake but I am so happy that no one was injured.

I'm not going to lie.... My first thought was "ok I can move into the next lane, speed past them, get off at the next exit, loose them in the chaos of downtown traffic, circle back and make my way down to Mexico where I can spend the rest of my days working to help women get out of brothels. Ten years from now I'll come back married with eight children and under the new alias Maria de los Santos Lopez Ramirez Zuniga.

or something like that....

But no... I made my way out to the shoulder behind them. The owner of the car, her mom, and her sister were so nice to me. I sensed the dad wanted to yell at me so I didn't look him in the eye. It was my first time in an accident and when I expressed this to the family the mother was nice enough to walk me through what was going to happen next.

All in all it was an ok expirience. Other than the fact that my parents might not let me drive ever again. Oh well... I'll have amazing legs by summer.

Putting the Bride in Un-Bridled

2007-12-06T10:02:00.001-08:00

Those of you who have received my letters over the last couple of years know my mind when it comes to the idea of marriage. For many years I have referred to myself as the Wild horse that could neither be bridled or broken. I think I might be ready for my domestication, and like Mr. T, “I pity the foo!” that marries me.

To this day, Jesus is the only man I would ever wear a skirt for, either for church or overseas. The day I wear a skirt to please a man is the day I know I have met my match, and the only way to destroy him would be to marry him. His proposal will somehow include the words, “I do not fear you.” If not by then, then definitely by our 50th anniversary.

I decided to put myself up on the market. But I’m very picky when it comes to guys. I want a man who will love God before he loves me, and will love me before he loves himself. Because that is what he can expect from me. A man who is strong enough to take care of me, and allow me to do the same for him.

To aid me, I will have my Johns/Jons. Some women have their girlfriends to aid them in finding a man, I have five testosterone filled, chest-hair covered men. Well… two are, one is not at all, one is in patches, and one is so hairy I call him my Ewok/Wookie Friend. Their names are John Navarrete, Jon McCormick, Jon Brewer, Jon Hines, and Andrew John Kasten. I love Navarrete because he is my longest running male friend and even though I don’t get to see him often, I know “Big Papa J” is only a phone call away. I love McCormick because I feel young and clean when I am with him. Brewer is flawed in so many ways, but he keeps trying. He is a great guy even though he will be the first to tell you otherwise. I love Hines because he is like a good Russian Novel, dark and contemplative. I love Kasten because he encourages me in the faith, and I consider him to be a kindred spirit. He is not afraid of the side of me that is Mexican, and I really appreciate that. It is because of these and others like them, that I am losing my fear of men.

There are many ways of loving someone. There is the Agape love one would have for a friend. There is the love one would have for a brother in the faith (Philleo), and there is the sexual kind of love called Eros. I believe the all-encompassing love is a fulfillment of all these. I will love him as my friend. We will have fun, laugh, and share secrets. I will love his as my brother treating him with respect, purity, challenging each other to grow stronger in our faith. He will be my lover, him and only him.

In our lives, we cannot chose who we love. It is a miracle, an entwining of two souls. When it presents itself to us the only choice we have in the matter is to either accept it, reject it, and when things get hard, to fight for it.

Growing up I witness first hand the dysfunctional nature of my parents marriage. I was angry at them for not being the example I needed them to be. But when my dad got sick and ended up going in for emergency surgery I walked into his hospital room to find both of them cuddling in the hospital bed. They are the exact example that I needed, because when it really hit the fan they still chose each other.

Love is not a fairy tale. There will be no happily ever after, but there will be a happily as long as lovers continue to choose each other and entrusting themselves in the One who can rebuild and restore.

Looking forward to the future,

eva

In Christ Alone - Hymn

2007-11-18T15:03:00.000-08:00

In Christ alone my hope is found
He is my light, my strength, and my song
This Cornerstone, this solid ground
Firm through the fiercest drought and storm
What heights of love, what depths of peace
When fears are stilled, when strivings cease
My Comforter, my All in All
Here in the love of Christ I stand

In Christ alone, who took on flesh
Fullness of God in helpless babe
This gift of love and righteousness
Scorned by the ones He came to save
‘Til on that cross as Jesus died
The wrath of God was satisfied
For every sin on Him was laid
Here in the death of Christ I live

There in the ground His body lay
Light of the world by darkness slain
Then bursting forth in glorious Day
Up from the grave He rose again
And as He stands in victory
Sin’s curse has lost its grip on me
For I am His and He is mine
Bought with the precious blood of Christ

No guilt of life, no fear in death
This is the power of Christ in me
From life’s first cry to final breath
Jesus commands my destiny
No power of hell, no scheme of man
Can ever pluck me from His hand
‘til He returns or calls me home
Here in the power of Christ I’ll stand

Drought

2007-11-18T14:18:00.000-08:00

It's been such a long time since I've felt the presence of God. A couple years ago a friend of mine spoke of going through times of spiritual drought. Having had a time of spiritual ecstasy, I didn't believe this could happen to me. I firmly believed that as long as one went to church, sang the songs, spoke the prayers, and used the correct language, this could not happen. I had grown so accustom to feeling Him near that I began to take it for granted.

After coming back from Rwanda, and going through a couple difficult situations I woke up to I realized He was no longer there, at least not in the way I had known Him. Gone was the feeling of perpetual comfort. Gone was the feeling of unfathomable bliss. Gone was the feeling that He was there, all there was... emptiness.

Instead of chasing after Him I decided to sink deeper into my depression. Instead of fighting for Him, I gave in. I attended church, but was not all there. My bible lay neglected for months. His praises began to leave my tongue. Times of prayer became sparse and mundane.

Then God granted me friends who drew me back to Him. People who taught me to fight for joy, to fight for love, to fight for that which can only be found in Him. I now fight to stand in the community of believers. I am once again picking up my bible. I am learning how to sing again, and go Him in prayer at even the most random of times.

He has yet to show up as He once did. But a friend of mine once said, "When we feel He has gone, it is then that our faith makes us understand He is still there."

He is my Siren's song. Calling me to death. A death of the sweetest kind. A marriage that was ignited in passion, only embers remain. And, where rivers once flowed so abundant and free, only drought stays. So as a faithful wife I will await His return. As we sit side by side, bounded in love, shrouded in silence.

peace,
eva

Entwined

2007-11-12T18:18:00.000-08:00

There I walked the lonely road
Where the briar, asp, and thornbush grow
Wind carressed me, held me near
Until my lover did appear
Bathed in moonlight, bodies aglow
Seeds of fire, embers did grow
Caught in a passion none could tame
Souls entwined, one and the same

Open Widows

2007-10-25T12:58:00.000-07:00

Prayer Retreat

2007-10-09T18:21:00.000-07:00

What is said when no one is speaking?

What is heard when there is silence?

A couple weeks ago my pastor spoke of the disciplines of prayer and spending time alone with God and these are the questions that came to mind.

I really love nature. It is there, surrounded by His creation, that I feel most at peace. For my Foundations for Ministry class our Professor challenged us to spend a few hours in the day just being with God. For my prayer retreat I planned on going to my favorite place Mt. Rubidoux in Riverside, Ca.

First of all I was unable to make it up to Mt Rubidox. It had been really windy that morning and since I had the beginnings of a cold with out health insurance, I thought it best to separate myself in a quiet, secluded, walled, germ free place. I chose the CBU Prayer chaple. Right as I began I received a call from a very close friend. She asked where I was because she wanted to hang out. I told her what I was doing and where and she said we could meet up later when I was done. I decided to silence my cell phone in order to prevent any further interruptions.

I now understand why it is referred to as a discipline. To keep focused for such a long period of time is a nearly impossible feat. After 15 minutes of just staring off into space I decided to make a list of things I would pray for. A list composed of 40 names and situations took me nearly an hour to compose. If I wasn’t off in my mind thinking of the different reasons why I had let this person into my life I was busy fantasizing of the different things my friends and I would do later. I decided enough was enough and my first petition was that God would grant me the focus to complete this time with Him. After spending a little under an hour in prayer I decided to move onto another form of meditation. I took out my Bible, which I lovingly refer to as “my Man” and went through the book of Matthew. Since this is the book we are going through in my New Testament Intro class, I thought I could kill two birds with one stone. I awoke sometime later to find that I had fallen asleep sometime after the 13th chapter. Deciding that Matt was heavily disappointed in me I moved onto reading a devotional and asking that God would speak to me through this.

After about an hour I heard a knock at the door of the Prayer Chapel. It was my friend who I had spoken to at the beginning of my Prayer retreat. She had gotten in an argument with her parents and was in desperate need of prayer and guidance. She confessed that she whole-heartedly feared that she would not find me. We spent some time discussion the events of the day, and the counsel others had given her. My words seemed to reaffirm their advice. The whole time we were conversing I was praying that God would grant me the wisdom to say the words that needed to be said. It was in that moment that I felt closest to God, because I was not going to Him out of completing a project for class, but because I truly needed Him and wanted Him near. Shortly after I finished praying with my friend I realized night service was about to begin so it was time to leave.

So to answer the questions I posed earlier…
What was said when no one was speaking?
What was heard when there was silence?

I need God. He is the only way I am going to survive. It is with this understanding that I will enter any moment of worship, either public or in private.

Namaste

2007-10-04T16:14:00.000-07:00

A common greeting in India, it means "The God in me recognizes the God in you"

A couple days ago I was talking to my brother in law. He just came back from Iraq, and we haven't really talked about what he did over there. I don't want to press the issue until he is ready to talk about it with me. We were watching a film in which a man who had just come back from a similar situation was suffering a psycological breakdown.

We were created by the divine and are made in His image. To kill one another would be an attack on the divine. This force that binds the Universe also binds us one to another. The sacredness of that surpreme being has created a sacredness of human life.

I told him that it was imposible for a human to kill another human. He looked at me, sneered, and he said it was. I countered by telling him to kill others without a sense of remorse or pain is to mark oneself as simply a creature, and thus in-human. He just sat quiet.

I hope he understands that no matter what he did, he is still human and he holds to that.

2007-09-23T17:23:00.000-07:00

Who I one day hope to be.
And look like cause isn't she a saucy minx!

My Grandma Eva

2007-09-18T19:25:00.000-07:00

Vietnam, i miss it so much

Happy times

2007-09-11T19:06:00.000-07:00

While I do like my last post, it’s a little depressing. I don't want people to think I'm just some emo chick who never smiles. So here's a random joke that I hope it'll make you smile

Just so you know, I heard it in my Comparative Religions class about a year back.

A Rabbi, a Priest and a Pastor all walk into their favorite bar. After a couple rounds they begin to complain about how in this postmodern world it is much easier to convert a bear than it is a human. The Pastor speaks up and says, "Hey priest, I bet I can convert a bear faster than you can". The priest say's, "I beg to differ, I'm sure I can convert a bear faster than you." The Rabbi perks up and says, "In order to settle this let's meet again in one week. During this one-week we will each go up to the woods, find ourselves a bear and try to convert it. The one who is successful wins." This sounds pleasing to everyone, so they agree to do so.

One week later they all meet again, this time in the hospital.

The Pastor looks up at the Priest who has a broken arm and asks him how it went. The Priest said, "This last week I went up to the woods and I found myself a bear. After preaching to the bear for 30 minutes the bear decided he just wasn't having it anymore and started swatting me around. I pull out my Holy water, splash it in his face, and all of a sudden we're praising Jesus, Mary, and Joseph together. How bout you preacher? What happened to you?"

The Pastor himself not only has a broken arm but a broken leg too. The pastor pulls himself straight in his chair and begins his story. "Well this week I went up to the woods and found myself a bear, too. After preaching to this bear for 20 minutes he decided he just wasn't having it anymore. He swats me so hard pretty soon we're rollin down a ravine into the river below. I take the bear by the scruff of the neck, dunk him hard in the water, baptize him, and start praising Jesus together." The two have a short laugh and together look at the Rabbi who not only has a broken leg and a broken arm, but also is in a full body cast.

The Rabbi sits quietly for a moment, and then begins to speak slowly with in a slurred speech. "After hearing both of your stories, I now realize that I shouldn't have tried to circumcise the bear."

Ashes

2007-07-09T22:56:00.000-07:00

Weakness is shameful. It provokes disgust and invokes provocation.

Hidden in solitude
No one can find me
Guarded by pride
No one can touch me

Walls, I have built
In keeping others out
I've fenced myself in

I sit in silence as winter calls for me. The streams dwindle as the rivers ceased their flow. Light fades as the world goes deaf. But snickering laughter and mocking tones remind me of who I've been. Walking Death, like a chilled breeze sweeping across my chest, draws me near and I begin to fall.

I cry out, and He hears. I reach out as He holds out His hand. Gathered to Him I find my peace as the voice that shook the heavens whispers, "I am here."

-

Su Voz

2007-06-21T21:53:00.000-07:00

Frustraciones claman mi vida
En todo lugares hoigo sus voces
Palabras de enojo
Palabras de rincor
Palabras que destruyen
Y matan el amor

Necesito escapar
Nesesito ser librada
En mis venas corre veneno

Quita dentro de mi todo lo que engana
todo lo que maltrata
todo lo que mata
Deseo de ti
Sin ti me muero

Home?

2007-06-05T20:27:00.000-07:00

I could never stop thanking the people who prayed for us. By their prayers we gained strength when we were weary, found grace in the eyes of the locals, and were able to have patience with each other. Thank you.

Throughout this whole journey the Lord showed Himself to us time and time again. He was our protector in times of fear. He was our guide in times of uncertainty. He was our Father in times of discomfort. He was my sanity. He was in all ways God and I praise Him for that.

I presented at my parent’s church last Sunday. They wanted a simple 15 minute presentation on what the Lord did in East Asia. While I did speak about East Asia, the majority of my speech was on the work going on overseas. The first week in country I was depressed because I felt I wasn’t having the same amount of opportunities to speak to the locals as other teammates. When another teammate brought someone to the Lord, I felt jealous. It wasn’t until I realized that we all have different jobs in the Kingdom that it changed. So I asked God to show me who it is that He would have me speak to and what it is that He would have me do. He showed me Shelly, Peggy, Denise, Melissa, and Jessica. My other teammate was given the job of harvesting. I was appointed to plow the field and water the plants. I told my parent's church that we all have a part in the Great Commission. Some of us will be the field workers, some of us will be the mobilizers, some of us will be the financial support, and others the prayer warriors. You see, we do all have our part.

I ask for my team, that they may be lifted up in prayers. Some of us are facing difficulties as we try to find our place again in a world we may no longer be a part of. Please pray for the other teams CBU still has out in the field. Pray for health, team unity, and grace in the eyes of the locals. Pray that the Lord would reveal Himself to them as He did to me. Please pray for the people we met in East Asia. That God would lift up local believers to guide them in His ways.

Lastly I encourage you, as I encouraged my parent’s church, to seek your part in this ministry. As I stated in my last letter, the work is not yet done. It will not be done until the day of His return.

How They Sing for Him

2007-05-25T22:40:00.000-07:00

The dawn breaks as the birds begin their song. The woman beats her rug. The man rakes his leaves. The child scuttles down the street. Around me is hear a myrad of sounds: horns blowing, engines whispering, people shouting, and I am listening. The city has awoken.

This is the way my days have begun for the last three weeks. I will miss it. To all who prayed for us thank you so much. You have been heard. We have welcomed a brother into the family and another is on his way. Many more have heard. The seed has been planted and I ask that God would make it grow. I ask for the workers who will water it. For those who are still here, and for those who are still to come. I ask for those who do not yet believe, and for those who do and are suffering for it.

One of the lessons that I will take with me is how precious worship is. In a place where it is forbidden I cherish every moment of it. I often find myself singing in the streets and the tears just begin to flow. I cry tears of joy to be found in the arms of the one who calls himself the I Am. I cry for all those who do not know Him, or who have rejected Him. I cry for the Honor and Glory that is being stolen from Him. He has become my song.

Being a leader has been an interesting venture. One my mentors told me before I left "A true leader is one who people are willing to follow because they contain the characteristics they themselves want to have." I just ask God that He make me into this person, because contrary to popular belief I am not this person.This is not false humilty, but truth. But, through Him I can be. I need to go... Please continue to pray because we are not yet home, and the work is not yet done.

East Asia

2007-05-12T22:28:00.000-07:00

It is all so different. The sights, the smells, it's like being in another country.

There is so much to say, I don't know where to begin. It has only been four days, but I have some stories to tell my friends when we get back. Some will make them laugh, some will get them scared, and some will make them say "Only to Eva." But in all things God is good.

The people are amazing. Some look at us and eagerly walk up wanting to meet us. Others look at us as if we were all dressed in chicken costumes. I've met some lovely ladies. We are going to get together more next week. Our first full day here Kushi told me that I was glowing. She told me I looked as if I was home. I am home. I while ago I wrote a letter to some friends about the fact that I am in the nomadic period of my life and I feared all that this might entail. But now I find peace in this because I now know where I belong. I belong on the field. Whether it be domestic or abroad. I now know for a fact that my home does not consist of four walls. It is found in the one who gave me life. It is found in the purpose for which He created me and there is great joy.

We are meeting amazing people that need to know about God. May our words be sweet as we share truth. May we find favor in their eyes. May those who need to be deaf be turned deaf, and may those who need to be turned blind be turned blind. In regards to health, some of us are still feeling the strain of travel. I love my team. They all have really stepped up to the task. I am very proud of them.

Human

2007-05-01T01:13:00.000-07:00

It's all a facade you know. An illusion to make you sense one thing while another is occurring. But the question here is which image is reality and which one is imaginary. Am I a cynic who hides behind a smile. The joy I profess a crutch to hide away from all the wounds still left inside? Am a weakling that hides behind the soldier. Will my fear not allow me to show my faults? Am I either? Am I both? Interchanging them to fit mood and situation. It is neurotic. It is human.

My pride in which I once found solace, I now find solitude.

Displace Me

2007-04-29T16:35:00.000-07:00

I recently went to an event whose main goal was to change hearts and raise awareness for what is going on in Uganda. The following excerpt was taken from my journal. It captures my emotions as I watched people from all walks of life gather for a worthy cause. For more information please go to:

http://www.invisiblechildren.com/home.php

We are bound to one another. We are of one earth, one breath, and one creation. United in purpose a tower we will build. For the glory of One, not of many. By this we shall not be dispersed but be united. One call… one cry.

The community pulses. It has a heartbeat. Its blood flows from one, to the other, to the next. As waves travel through the ocean not resting till it’s found its shore so does His Spirit flow through us. But these waves know no shores. They know no boundaries. It is only tied to time. To the day when He says, "Return to Me."

Ave (Bird)

2007-04-18T11:47:00.000-07:00

I never did pity a bird that had fallen
For there was a time when she flew
And I never did pity a bird that lay dying
For there was a time when she lived

And though she lay broken on the floor
Her body still holds the vestiges of Honor, Strength and Dignity.

We all fall.
What is important is how we stood

Ave is the spanish word for Bird. I have a facination with them. I envy their freedom. I envy their dominion over the sky. I see them as the embodiment of who we were before the fall. "They niether sow nor reap, they have no storeroom or barn, yet God feeds them." Creation freely praises its creator. No barriers. It is this that I envy the most.

Love

2007-04-11T14:14:00.000-07:00

Love is quite a powerful emotion. We find fulfillment in it, as well as devastation. It will lead us to destinations unknown, but in it we find our home.

I'm a traveler. When I turned 21, I stopped having a home. I have spent every summer since then traveling for love. For love of my Father, and for love of people who do not know of Him.