What Happened To This Person?

and how do I get her back?

I woke up about a half hour ago due to a nightmare. When I was reading through some of my old letters, I came across this insert.

Where did this person go?


Written 7-15-06
He is the reason why the lark sings, the moon shines, and the flowers spring.
He is the reason why the streams murmur, the rivers speak, and the oceans roar.
The purpose for life, the joy in death, the melody of our song, and the reason for breath.
He is our everything.


I'm a Pastor's kid, and those of you who are can understand when I say that we are expected to portray a certain image. So growing up I quickly became accustomed to acting as if everything was ok even though it wasn't. I never allowed myself to show weakness, and even though I was furious at someone I would not allow anyone else to notice. Even the one who had insulted me. Having to constantly play the part of the "Pastor's kid" has lead me to question whether or not I'm constantly playing the part of the "Christian". Do I make myself push aside everything I’m struggling with in order to portray what is expected of me?

Am i just being too hard on myself?

I have my good weeks and my bad weeks... I think this is one of my bad weeks.

"My lover is mine and I am his" S of S 2:16

I had a dream a couple nights ago that I was married to Gollum, and by Gollum I mean the actor who brought him to life Andy Serkis.

I often times find myself thinking about the man I’m going to marry. I dream of him, and can sometimes feel him worshiping along with me when I play my guitar. I pray for the man he is becoming, and that God would continually mold him into the man he needs to be. I love him… I find it amazing that God could have me love someone I may not know yet.

I have a long list of things I look for in a man. I want a man who is passionate about God and makes Him first in his life, even if that means having to push me aside…a man who will continually encourage me to become a better version of me. Due to recent events I've added something to that lis. I want man who can be my safe harbor. Honestly, some days are just too hard. I want a man who I can find rest with. The one physical thing that I am looking forward to the most is not sex, even though I know it is amazing (you don’t have to bite the cookie to know how sweet it is), but rather always having someone to curl up with on the couch with to cuddle and just rest. I know we’ll have our arguments, but above all else I want peace to envelope our house.

I was talking to one of my guy friends this weekend, and after hearing how he is striving to become a better man for God and his future lover, I began to question my standing with mine. I have focused so much on what I want in a man that I never fully contemplated the notion that maybe I’m not what he wants. I’m neurotic, can be too sensitive when receiving criticism, and sometimes speak with out fully thinking how it can affect the other person. I was mistaken in thinking that this time of singleness was due to God molding my future husband into who he needs to be. In reality it is so I could continually be working to become that woman who my husband deserves. It is my responsibility not only to my lover, but to my God as well.

Daughters of Jerusalem, I charge you by the gazelles and by the does of the field: Do not arouse or awaken love until it so desires.
Song of Solomon 3:5




Till I see you again in my dreams…