Ashes Ashes...We all fall down...

Ok... So I got in my first car crash tonight. It was a stupid mistake but I am so happy that no one was injured.

I'm not going to lie.... My first thought was "ok I can move into the next lane, speed past them, get off at the next exit, loose them in the chaos of downtown traffic, circle back and make my way down to Mexico where I can spend the rest of my days working to help women get out of brothels. Ten years from now I'll come back married with eight children and under the new alias Maria de los Santos Lopez Ramirez Zuniga.

or something like that....

But no... I made my way out to the shoulder behind them. The owner of the car, her mom, and her sister were so nice to me. I sensed the dad wanted to yell at me so I didn't look him in the eye. It was my first time in an accident and when I expressed this to the family the mother was nice enough to walk me through what was going to happen next.

All in all it was an ok expirience. Other than the fact that my parents might not let me drive ever again. Oh well... I'll have amazing legs by summer.

Putting the Bride in Un-Bridled

Those of you who have received my letters over the last couple of years know my mind when it comes to the idea of marriage. For many years I have referred to myself as the Wild horse that could neither be bridled or broken. I think I might be ready for my domestication, and like Mr. T, “I pity the foo!” that marries me.

To this day, Jesus is the only man I would ever wear a skirt for, either for church or overseas. The day I wear a skirt to please a man is the day I know I have met my match, and the only way to destroy him would be to marry him. His proposal will somehow include the words, “I do not fear you.” If not by then, then definitely by our 50th anniversary.


I decided to put myself up on the market. But I’m very picky when it comes to guys. I want a man who will love God before he loves me, and will love me before he loves himself. Because that is what he can expect from me. A man who is strong enough to take care of me, and allow me to do the same for him.

To aid me, I will have my Johns/Jons. Some women have their girlfriends to aid them in finding a man, I have five testosterone filled, chest-hair covered men. Well… two are, one is not at all, one is in patches, and one is so hairy I call him my Ewok/Wookie Friend. Their names are John Navarrete, Jon McCormick, Jon Brewer, Jon Hines, and Andrew John Kasten. I love Navarrete because he is my longest running male friend and even though I don’t get to see him often, I know “Big Papa J” is only a phone call away. I love McCormick because I feel young and clean when I am with him. Brewer is flawed in so many ways, but he keeps trying. He is a great guy even though he will be the first to tell you otherwise. I love Hines because he is like a good Russian Novel, dark and contemplative. I love Kasten because he encourages me in the faith, and I consider him to be a kindred spirit. He is not afraid of the side of me that is Mexican, and I really appreciate that. It is because of these and others like them, that I am losing my fear of men.

There are many ways of loving someone. There is the Agape love one would have for a friend. There is the love one would have for a brother in the faith (Philleo), and there is the sexual kind of love called Eros. I believe the all-encompassing love is a fulfillment of all these. I will love him as my friend. We will have fun, laugh, and share secrets. I will love his as my brother treating him with respect, purity, challenging each other to grow stronger in our faith. He will be my lover, him and only him.

In our lives, we cannot chose who we love. It is a miracle, an entwining of two souls. When it presents itself to us the only choice we have in the matter is to either accept it, reject it, and when things get hard, to fight for it.

Growing up I witness first hand the dysfunctional nature of my parents marriage. I was angry at them for not being the example I needed them to be. But when my dad got sick and ended up going in for emergency surgery I walked into his hospital room to find both of them cuddling in the hospital bed. They are the exact example that I needed, because when it really hit the fan they still chose each other.

Love is not a fairy tale. There will be no happily ever after, but there will be a happily as long as lovers continue to choose each other and entrusting themselves in the One who can rebuild and restore.

Looking forward to the future,

eva

In Christ Alone - Hymn

In Christ alone my hope is found
He is my light, my strength, and my song
This Cornerstone, this solid ground
Firm through the fiercest drought and storm
What heights of love, what depths of peace
When fears are stilled, when strivings cease
My Comforter, my All in All
Here in the love of Christ I stand

In Christ alone, who took on flesh
Fullness of God in helpless babe
This gift of love and righteousness
Scorned by the ones He came to save
‘Til on that cross as Jesus died
The wrath of God was satisfied
For every sin on Him was laid
Here in the death of Christ I live

There in the ground His body lay
Light of the world by darkness slain
Then bursting forth in glorious Day
Up from the grave He rose again
And as He stands in victory
Sin’s curse has lost its grip on me
For I am His and He is mine
Bought with the precious blood of Christ

No guilt of life, no fear in death
This is the power of Christ in me
From life’s first cry to final breath
Jesus commands my destiny
No power of hell, no scheme of man
Can ever pluck me from His hand
‘til He returns or calls me home
Here in the power of Christ I’ll stand

Drought

It's been such a long time since I've felt the presence of God. A couple years ago a friend of mine spoke of going through times of spiritual drought. Having had a time of spiritual ecstasy, I didn't believe this could happen to me. I firmly believed that as long as one went to church, sang the songs, spoke the prayers, and used the correct language, this could not happen. I had grown so accustom to feeling Him near that I began to take it for granted.

After coming back from Rwanda, and going through a couple difficult situations I woke up to I realized He was no longer there, at least not in the way I had known Him. Gone was the feeling of perpetual comfort. Gone was the feeling of unfathomable bliss. Gone was the feeling that He was there, all there was... emptiness.

Instead of chasing after Him I decided to sink deeper into my depression. Instead of fighting for Him, I gave in. I attended church, but was not all there. My bible lay neglected for months. His praises began to leave my tongue. Times of prayer became sparse and mundane.

Then God granted me friends who drew me back to Him. People who taught me to fight for joy, to fight for love, to fight for that which can only be found in Him. I now fight to stand in the community of believers. I am once again picking up my bible. I am learning how to sing again, and go Him in prayer at even the most random of times.

He has yet to show up as He once did. But a friend of mine once said, "When we feel He has gone, it is then that our faith makes us understand He is still there."

He is my Siren's song. Calling me to death. A death of the sweetest kind. A marriage that was ignited in passion, only embers remain. And, where rivers once flowed so abundant and free, only drought stays. So as a faithful wife I will await His return. As we sit side by side, bounded in love, shrouded in silence.

peace,
eva

Entwined

There I walked the lonely road
Where the briar, asp, and thornbush grow
Wind carressed me, held me near
Until my lover did appear
Bathed in moonlight, bodies aglow
Seeds of fire, embers did grow
Caught in a passion none could tame
Souls entwined, one and the same

Open Widows

Prayer Retreat

What is said when no one is speaking?

What is heard when there is silence?

A couple weeks ago my pastor spoke of the disciplines of prayer and spending time alone with God and these are the questions that came to mind.

I really love nature. It is there, surrounded by His creation, that I feel most at peace. For my Foundations for Ministry class our Professor challenged us to spend a few hours in the day just being with God. For my prayer retreat I planned on going to my favorite place Mt. Rubidoux in Riverside, Ca.

First of all I was unable to make it up to Mt Rubidox. It had been really windy that morning and since I had the beginnings of a cold with out health insurance, I thought it best to separate myself in a quiet, secluded, walled, germ free place. I chose the CBU Prayer chaple. Right as I began I received a call from a very close friend. She asked where I was because she wanted to hang out. I told her what I was doing and where and she said we could meet up later when I was done. I decided to silence my cell phone in order to prevent any further interruptions.

I now understand why it is referred to as a discipline. To keep focused for such a long period of time is a nearly impossible feat. After 15 minutes of just staring off into space I decided to make a list of things I would pray for. A list composed of 40 names and situations took me nearly an hour to compose. If I wasn’t off in my mind thinking of the different reasons why I had let this person into my life I was busy fantasizing of the different things my friends and I would do later. I decided enough was enough and my first petition was that God would grant me the focus to complete this time with Him. After spending a little under an hour in prayer I decided to move onto another form of meditation. I took out my Bible, which I lovingly refer to as “my Man” and went through the book of Matthew. Since this is the book we are going through in my New Testament Intro class, I thought I could kill two birds with one stone. I awoke sometime later to find that I had fallen asleep sometime after the 13th chapter. Deciding that Matt was heavily disappointed in me I moved onto reading a devotional and asking that God would speak to me through this.

After about an hour I heard a knock at the door of the Prayer Chapel. It was my friend who I had spoken to at the beginning of my Prayer retreat. She had gotten in an argument with her parents and was in desperate need of prayer and guidance. She confessed that she whole-heartedly feared that she would not find me. We spent some time discussion the events of the day, and the counsel others had given her. My words seemed to reaffirm their advice. The whole time we were conversing I was praying that God would grant me the wisdom to say the words that needed to be said. It was in that moment that I felt closest to God, because I was not going to Him out of completing a project for class, but because I truly needed Him and wanted Him near. Shortly after I finished praying with my friend I realized night service was about to begin so it was time to leave.

So to answer the questions I posed earlier…
What was said when no one was speaking?
What was heard when there was silence?

I need God. He is the only way I am going to survive. It is with this understanding that I will enter any moment of worship, either public or in private.