By George, I think I've Got It!

Ok… so I’ve been really sick lately. For some reason my body holds on to stress and tension harder than other humans. This causes my immune system a considerable amount of damage. Thus I know I need to take a breather when my health starts to go downhill.

I went home early from work and am currently relaxing wearing my favorite “Chicks With Brains” pajamas. They are my favorite pair because my big sister gave them to me for Christmas a long time ago, they are flannel, and they actually do have cartoonistic baby chicks wearing glasses and fuzzy slippers all over them. All things considering I am enjoying my time at home. My mother made my favorite Mexican soup, Posole, has been making me nice cold fresh fruit smoothies to help with my temperature, spent a majority of yesterday hugging me like when I was five years old, is making sure I take my medicine, and is looking after my cats while I get better.

During one of my fever induced coma/hallucination episodes I came to deeper understanding of my character… One, I act like a child when I’m sick and two... one of the reason why I haven’t entered into a serious relationship is that I have yet to find a man who would take care of me like my mom takes care of me. What she does for me, that’s true love. And, that's what I'm waiting for.

So while some women look for men who remind them of their fathers, I’m going to continue to wait for the man who reminds me of my mother… this scenario is only slightly creepier :)

In the grand scheme of things... I am very small

Christians face attacks in eastern India
Violence has left at least 38 people dead and as many as 30,000 homeless

The Associated Press
updated 2:01 a.m. PT, Sun., Oct. 26, 2008

TIKKABALLI, India - They still worship in what remains of the little Baptist church not far from this forest town. The church is empty except for the rubble swept neatly into the corners. The sun comes through ragged holes where the mob smashed in the window frames.

On the roof, the crucifix is just twisted metal and broken concrete. It's barely recognizable, and you have to ask to make sure that's what it once was.

Here, prayers are said only in secret.

"We do it without making any noise," said Subhash Digal, holding his four-month-old son on his hip as he stood outside the church, where the smell of burned timber lingered on a warm autumn afternoon. "We don't want these people to know we are inside."

In this corner of the eastern state of Orissa, it's hard to find a Christian who isn't afraid.

Bloody anti-Christian riots broke out here in late August, rampages by Hindu hard-liners that since then have left at least 38 people dead, as many as 30,000 homeless and dozen of churches destroyed. The worst of the violence ended after a week or so, when authorities finally deployed soldiers to set up checkpoints and relief camps.

But nearly every day since then, the trouble has continued: a house burned, a carload of people beaten, a soldier hacked to death. Repeatedly, Christian villagers say, they have been told they must convert to Hinduism. The anti-Christian violence has also flickered across other parts of India, with churches vandalized and Christians attacked in the high-tech hub of Bangalore, the city of Mangalore and the coastal state of Kerala.

India's hidden fragility
In a country desperate to be seen as a stable, democratic world power, the violence is a window into India's hidden fragility, its sometimes-dangerous political climate and the fierce historical divisions buried in its vast diversity.

India is more than 80 percent Hindu but its 1.1 billion people include all of the world's major religions, a caste system of near-impossible complexity, colossal divides of wealth and poverty, and, by some estimates, more than 2,000 ethnic groups.

"If you look at Africa, you don't see this kind of diversity, if you look at all of Europe, you don't see this kind of diversity," said Swami Agnivesh, a Hindu intellectual and liberal social activist. When it comes to India's continued existence: "Sometimes I think it's a miracle."

Trouble can seem inevitable. In just the past couple weeks violence has ranged from the northeastern state of Assam, where at least 50 people have died in ethnic clashes, to the central state of Madhya Pradesh state, where three people were killed in religious riots after a Hindu procession passed through a Muslim neighborhood.

Then there is Orissa's Kandhamal district, where widespread trouble began after the Aug. 24 killing of Swami Laxmanananda Saraswati, a hard-line Hindu leader who rose to prominence in the area by advocating that Christian converts return to Hinduism.

Police blamed Maoist guerrillas for the killing, though it's unclear why they would have targeted him.

But Hindu militants quickly turned on local Christians, setting fire to a Christian orphanage and attacking churches and Christian-owned shops and homes. A nun accused a Hindu mob of raping her. At least 32 people have been killed, tens of thousands have fled their homes and thousands are believed still to be hiding in Orissa's thick forests.

The Kandhamal region is a place where villagers tend farms in small valleys circled by humpbacked hills, and where roadside ponds are filled with swimming children and floating lotuses. But it's also a place long cut off by poverty and illiteracy, where electricity is unknown in most villages and the pay for day laborers — the only job most people hope for — is 30 rupees, or 60 cents. That wage is only for men: Women earn 20 rupees, or 40 cents.

Kandhamal has long been a battleground over Christian missionary work among low-caste Hindus and the indigenous people known in India as "tribals." While Christians account for just 2.5 percent of India, their population in Kandhamal has risen sharply in recent decades, reaching nearly 20 percent by the last census in 2001.

Hindu militants say the reason for this is obvious: Missionaries are forcing or bribing people to convert, stealing followers from India's true religion.

'Our culture is being attacked'
"This is a kind of cultural invasion," Gauri Shankar Rath, a top official in the Orissa state VHP, the umbrella organization of Hindu nationalists, said in a telephone interview. "Our culture is being attacked."

Missionaries dismiss such accusations. And conversion does offer worldly benefits: For the low-caste, there's a partial escape from the stigmas of the Hindu caste system. Some missionaries also reach out to followers by building medical clinics and schools.

But as with much of India's violence, the obvious rationale for Kandhamal's bloodshed is really just one tile in a mosaic of discontent.

Much of the bitterness here is rooted in competition between two groups struggling at the bottom of India's social spectrum: the Panas and the Kandhas. The Panas are dalits, the group once known in India as "untouchables," while the Kandhas are tribals. The two have long competed for land, and more recently for jobs and school seats reserved by the government for the disadvantaged.

Over the past 20 years, the Kandhas have largely remained Hindu while many Panas have converted to Christianity, tangling religion into their conflict. Christians — even dalit converts — are not supposed to be eligible for reserved positions, but many Kandhas insist Pana Christian still find ways to get them. The Christians deny the accusation.

Militant group
Then there is politics.

Many of the attacks, victims say, were carried out by the Bajrang Dal, a militant group closely allied to the Bharatiya Janata Party, a Hindu nationalist political party that is part of Orissa's coalition government. The Hindu right-wing has long stirred up religious resentments as a way to shore up its voter base — and Orissa, as people here quickly point out, is expected to hold elections early next year.

"This isn't a war between Hindus and Christians," said Ugrasena Rana, a 32-year-old Hindu from Bujulimendi, a small village where a roaming gang burned down a half-dozen or so Christian homes after the swami was killed. "This is a war between the Bajrang Dal and the people who will not follow their commands."

In some ways, though, the Christians of Bujulimendi are lucky. Their Hindu neighbors have tried to protect them, and many Christian families now sleep in Hindu homes in case the mobs return.

The situation is grimmer outside the ransacked Baptist church, where villagers say their attackers included many people they knew.

That mob, about 50 people armed with knives, swords and clubs, stormed through the village, chanting the name of the Hindu god Ram as they destroyed the church and Christian homes.

Since then, smaller groups have returned repeatedly. There is seldom violence, but they state their message bluntly: convert or die. Eventually, villagers worry, the threat will be carried out.

"What can we do?" asked Digal, the man dangling his baby. "They are trying to force us to become Hindu."

So will he convert?

"I don't know," he said, staring down at the ground. "I haven't decided yet."

Own Me

I was listening to Ginny Owens today. It had been a while since I had listened to her... it has been a while since I've listened to anything other than Incubus, Greenday, Tool, Metallica, or any of the like... I think that is a mistake. While it isn't a bad thing to listen to "secular" music, it is important that it is not the only music I hear.

In the cd I was listening to a majority of her songs called for radical Christianity. For Christian's to follow the example of Christ and take a stand. That is what I'm struggling with right now. What is it that I stand for? And how do I go about doing it? My dad may not have done the best of jobs raising me, but one thing I do appreciate about him is that he did not raise me to stand still, watch, and do nothing.

The question still stands though. How do I go about doing it?

One of her songs is titled Own Me

Got a stack of books,
So I could learn how to live;
Many are left half-read,
Covered by the cobwebs on my shelf.
And I got a list of laws,
Growing longer everyday;
If I keep pluggin' away,
Maybe one day I'll perfect myself.
Oh, but all of my labor,
Seems to be in vain;
And all of my laws,
Just cause me more pain;
So I fall before You,
In all of my shame;
Ready and willing to be changed-

Chorus:
Own me
Take all that I am,
And heal me
With the blood of the Lamb.
Mold me
With Your gracious hand;
Break me till I'm only Yours-
Own me

Oh, you call me Daughter,
And you take my blame;
And you run to meet me,
When I cry out Your name,
So I fall before You,
In all of my shame.
Lord, I am willing to be changed


One of the horrible things about my personality is that I sometimes allow the people God would use to bring me closer to Him and His truth to take precedence over Him. I lose focus of the reality that I don't belong to them... I don't even belong to me... I belong to a God and this is the only way I will be able to fully function.

What Happened To This Person?

and how do I get her back?

I woke up about a half hour ago due to a nightmare. When I was reading through some of my old letters, I came across this insert.

Where did this person go?


Written 7-15-06
He is the reason why the lark sings, the moon shines, and the flowers spring.
He is the reason why the streams murmur, the rivers speak, and the oceans roar.
The purpose for life, the joy in death, the melody of our song, and the reason for breath.
He is our everything.


I'm a Pastor's kid, and those of you who are can understand when I say that we are expected to portray a certain image. So growing up I quickly became accustomed to acting as if everything was ok even though it wasn't. I never allowed myself to show weakness, and even though I was furious at someone I would not allow anyone else to notice. Even the one who had insulted me. Having to constantly play the part of the "Pastor's kid" has lead me to question whether or not I'm constantly playing the part of the "Christian". Do I make myself push aside everything I’m struggling with in order to portray what is expected of me?

Am i just being too hard on myself?

I have my good weeks and my bad weeks... I think this is one of my bad weeks.

"My lover is mine and I am his" S of S 2:16

I had a dream a couple nights ago that I was married to Gollum, and by Gollum I mean the actor who brought him to life Andy Serkis.

I often times find myself thinking about the man I’m going to marry. I dream of him, and can sometimes feel him worshiping along with me when I play my guitar. I pray for the man he is becoming, and that God would continually mold him into the man he needs to be. I love him… I find it amazing that God could have me love someone I may not know yet.

I have a long list of things I look for in a man. I want a man who is passionate about God and makes Him first in his life, even if that means having to push me aside…a man who will continually encourage me to become a better version of me. Due to recent events I've added something to that lis. I want man who can be my safe harbor. Honestly, some days are just too hard. I want a man who I can find rest with. The one physical thing that I am looking forward to the most is not sex, even though I know it is amazing (you don’t have to bite the cookie to know how sweet it is), but rather always having someone to curl up with on the couch with to cuddle and just rest. I know we’ll have our arguments, but above all else I want peace to envelope our house.

I was talking to one of my guy friends this weekend, and after hearing how he is striving to become a better man for God and his future lover, I began to question my standing with mine. I have focused so much on what I want in a man that I never fully contemplated the notion that maybe I’m not what he wants. I’m neurotic, can be too sensitive when receiving criticism, and sometimes speak with out fully thinking how it can affect the other person. I was mistaken in thinking that this time of singleness was due to God molding my future husband into who he needs to be. In reality it is so I could continually be working to become that woman who my husband deserves. It is my responsibility not only to my lover, but to my God as well.

Daughters of Jerusalem, I charge you by the gazelles and by the does of the field: Do not arouse or awaken love until it so desires.
Song of Solomon 3:5




Till I see you again in my dreams…

Deffinition of Sad

Eva is at home on a friday night wearing her pijamas and talking to her cats...

this is wrong...

Can't sleep.... so I blog

Apparently my name not only originates from the Hebrew language, but Sanskrit too.

The name Eva comes from the Indian origin. In Sanskrit the meaning of the name Eva is: One who gives life.

Under the Hebrew origin the name means: Life. Living one. A variant of Eve.

Growing up, I never liked my name. My name in its entirety is Eva Patricia Munoz Ramirez. Eva after my grandmother, Patricia after my mother, Munoz is my father's last name, and while it is not on my birth certificate I took on my mother's maiden name out of Mexican tradition. If I was in Mexico I would keep my mother's maiden name until I got married. After that I would drop it and take on my husbands name, and my name would look something like this....

Eva Patricia Munoz de Whatever. 

The "de" in my last name would mean that I know belong to my husband's family.

But back to why I didn't like my name... First of all it wasn't unique. I am the fourth woman in my family that I know of who has this name. Secondly, it will forever be associated with the fall of man. I remember feeling bad whenever that story was told at church. People would jokingly give me a dirty look whenever it was mentioned, but I took it to heart. So I really didn't like my name... but I'm beginning to see it in a different light. 

A constant theme in my life is redemption. I think that is evident in my name as well. 

Eve, along with Adam, sinned and as such brought on the Fall of man. It's funny how God was able to take the woman who brought death into the world and cause life to flow from her.  He was able to take something ugly, and make it beautiful again.