Ashes Ashes...We all fall down...

Ok... So I got in my first car crash tonight. It was a stupid mistake but I am so happy that no one was injured.

I'm not going to lie.... My first thought was "ok I can move into the next lane, speed past them, get off at the next exit, loose them in the chaos of downtown traffic, circle back and make my way down to Mexico where I can spend the rest of my days working to help women get out of brothels. Ten years from now I'll come back married with eight children and under the new alias Maria de los Santos Lopez Ramirez Zuniga.

or something like that....

But no... I made my way out to the shoulder behind them. The owner of the car, her mom, and her sister were so nice to me. I sensed the dad wanted to yell at me so I didn't look him in the eye. It was my first time in an accident and when I expressed this to the family the mother was nice enough to walk me through what was going to happen next.

All in all it was an ok expirience. Other than the fact that my parents might not let me drive ever again. Oh well... I'll have amazing legs by summer.

Putting the Bride in Un-Bridled

Those of you who have received my letters over the last couple of years know my mind when it comes to the idea of marriage. For many years I have referred to myself as the Wild horse that could neither be bridled or broken. I think I might be ready for my domestication, and like Mr. T, “I pity the foo!” that marries me.

To this day, Jesus is the only man I would ever wear a skirt for, either for church or overseas. The day I wear a skirt to please a man is the day I know I have met my match, and the only way to destroy him would be to marry him. His proposal will somehow include the words, “I do not fear you.” If not by then, then definitely by our 50th anniversary.


I decided to put myself up on the market. But I’m very picky when it comes to guys. I want a man who will love God before he loves me, and will love me before he loves himself. Because that is what he can expect from me. A man who is strong enough to take care of me, and allow me to do the same for him.

To aid me, I will have my Johns/Jons. Some women have their girlfriends to aid them in finding a man, I have five testosterone filled, chest-hair covered men. Well… two are, one is not at all, one is in patches, and one is so hairy I call him my Ewok/Wookie Friend. Their names are John Navarrete, Jon McCormick, Jon Brewer, Jon Hines, and Andrew John Kasten. I love Navarrete because he is my longest running male friend and even though I don’t get to see him often, I know “Big Papa J” is only a phone call away. I love McCormick because I feel young and clean when I am with him. Brewer is flawed in so many ways, but he keeps trying. He is a great guy even though he will be the first to tell you otherwise. I love Hines because he is like a good Russian Novel, dark and contemplative. I love Kasten because he encourages me in the faith, and I consider him to be a kindred spirit. He is not afraid of the side of me that is Mexican, and I really appreciate that. It is because of these and others like them, that I am losing my fear of men.

There are many ways of loving someone. There is the Agape love one would have for a friend. There is the love one would have for a brother in the faith (Philleo), and there is the sexual kind of love called Eros. I believe the all-encompassing love is a fulfillment of all these. I will love him as my friend. We will have fun, laugh, and share secrets. I will love his as my brother treating him with respect, purity, challenging each other to grow stronger in our faith. He will be my lover, him and only him.

In our lives, we cannot chose who we love. It is a miracle, an entwining of two souls. When it presents itself to us the only choice we have in the matter is to either accept it, reject it, and when things get hard, to fight for it.

Growing up I witness first hand the dysfunctional nature of my parents marriage. I was angry at them for not being the example I needed them to be. But when my dad got sick and ended up going in for emergency surgery I walked into his hospital room to find both of them cuddling in the hospital bed. They are the exact example that I needed, because when it really hit the fan they still chose each other.

Love is not a fairy tale. There will be no happily ever after, but there will be a happily as long as lovers continue to choose each other and entrusting themselves in the One who can rebuild and restore.

Looking forward to the future,

eva

In Christ Alone - Hymn

In Christ alone my hope is found
He is my light, my strength, and my song
This Cornerstone, this solid ground
Firm through the fiercest drought and storm
What heights of love, what depths of peace
When fears are stilled, when strivings cease
My Comforter, my All in All
Here in the love of Christ I stand

In Christ alone, who took on flesh
Fullness of God in helpless babe
This gift of love and righteousness
Scorned by the ones He came to save
‘Til on that cross as Jesus died
The wrath of God was satisfied
For every sin on Him was laid
Here in the death of Christ I live

There in the ground His body lay
Light of the world by darkness slain
Then bursting forth in glorious Day
Up from the grave He rose again
And as He stands in victory
Sin’s curse has lost its grip on me
For I am His and He is mine
Bought with the precious blood of Christ

No guilt of life, no fear in death
This is the power of Christ in me
From life’s first cry to final breath
Jesus commands my destiny
No power of hell, no scheme of man
Can ever pluck me from His hand
‘til He returns or calls me home
Here in the power of Christ I’ll stand

Drought

It's been such a long time since I've felt the presence of God. A couple years ago a friend of mine spoke of going through times of spiritual drought. Having had a time of spiritual ecstasy, I didn't believe this could happen to me. I firmly believed that as long as one went to church, sang the songs, spoke the prayers, and used the correct language, this could not happen. I had grown so accustom to feeling Him near that I began to take it for granted.

After coming back from Rwanda, and going through a couple difficult situations I woke up to I realized He was no longer there, at least not in the way I had known Him. Gone was the feeling of perpetual comfort. Gone was the feeling of unfathomable bliss. Gone was the feeling that He was there, all there was... emptiness.

Instead of chasing after Him I decided to sink deeper into my depression. Instead of fighting for Him, I gave in. I attended church, but was not all there. My bible lay neglected for months. His praises began to leave my tongue. Times of prayer became sparse and mundane.

Then God granted me friends who drew me back to Him. People who taught me to fight for joy, to fight for love, to fight for that which can only be found in Him. I now fight to stand in the community of believers. I am once again picking up my bible. I am learning how to sing again, and go Him in prayer at even the most random of times.

He has yet to show up as He once did. But a friend of mine once said, "When we feel He has gone, it is then that our faith makes us understand He is still there."

He is my Siren's song. Calling me to death. A death of the sweetest kind. A marriage that was ignited in passion, only embers remain. And, where rivers once flowed so abundant and free, only drought stays. So as a faithful wife I will await His return. As we sit side by side, bounded in love, shrouded in silence.

peace,
eva

Entwined

There I walked the lonely road
Where the briar, asp, and thornbush grow
Wind carressed me, held me near
Until my lover did appear
Bathed in moonlight, bodies aglow
Seeds of fire, embers did grow
Caught in a passion none could tame
Souls entwined, one and the same

Open Widows

Prayer Retreat

What is said when no one is speaking?

What is heard when there is silence?

A couple weeks ago my pastor spoke of the disciplines of prayer and spending time alone with God and these are the questions that came to mind.

I really love nature. It is there, surrounded by His creation, that I feel most at peace. For my Foundations for Ministry class our Professor challenged us to spend a few hours in the day just being with God. For my prayer retreat I planned on going to my favorite place Mt. Rubidoux in Riverside, Ca.

First of all I was unable to make it up to Mt Rubidox. It had been really windy that morning and since I had the beginnings of a cold with out health insurance, I thought it best to separate myself in a quiet, secluded, walled, germ free place. I chose the CBU Prayer chaple. Right as I began I received a call from a very close friend. She asked where I was because she wanted to hang out. I told her what I was doing and where and she said we could meet up later when I was done. I decided to silence my cell phone in order to prevent any further interruptions.

I now understand why it is referred to as a discipline. To keep focused for such a long period of time is a nearly impossible feat. After 15 minutes of just staring off into space I decided to make a list of things I would pray for. A list composed of 40 names and situations took me nearly an hour to compose. If I wasn’t off in my mind thinking of the different reasons why I had let this person into my life I was busy fantasizing of the different things my friends and I would do later. I decided enough was enough and my first petition was that God would grant me the focus to complete this time with Him. After spending a little under an hour in prayer I decided to move onto another form of meditation. I took out my Bible, which I lovingly refer to as “my Man” and went through the book of Matthew. Since this is the book we are going through in my New Testament Intro class, I thought I could kill two birds with one stone. I awoke sometime later to find that I had fallen asleep sometime after the 13th chapter. Deciding that Matt was heavily disappointed in me I moved onto reading a devotional and asking that God would speak to me through this.

After about an hour I heard a knock at the door of the Prayer Chapel. It was my friend who I had spoken to at the beginning of my Prayer retreat. She had gotten in an argument with her parents and was in desperate need of prayer and guidance. She confessed that she whole-heartedly feared that she would not find me. We spent some time discussion the events of the day, and the counsel others had given her. My words seemed to reaffirm their advice. The whole time we were conversing I was praying that God would grant me the wisdom to say the words that needed to be said. It was in that moment that I felt closest to God, because I was not going to Him out of completing a project for class, but because I truly needed Him and wanted Him near. Shortly after I finished praying with my friend I realized night service was about to begin so it was time to leave.

So to answer the questions I posed earlier…
What was said when no one was speaking?
What was heard when there was silence?

I need God. He is the only way I am going to survive. It is with this understanding that I will enter any moment of worship, either public or in private.

Namaste

A common greeting in India, it means "The God in me recognizes the God in you"

A couple days ago I was talking to my brother in law. He just came back from Iraq, and we haven't really talked about what he did over there. I don't want to press the issue until he is ready to talk about it with me. We were watching a film in which a man who had just come back from a similar situation was suffering a psycological breakdown.

We were created by the divine and are made in His image. To kill one another would be an attack on the divine. This force that binds the Universe also binds us one to another. The sacredness of that surpreme being has created a sacredness of human life.

I told him that it was imposible for a human to kill another human. He looked at me, sneered, and he said it was. I countered by telling him to kill others without a sense of remorse or pain is to mark oneself as simply a creature, and thus in-human. He just sat quiet.

I hope he understands that no matter what he did, he is still human and he holds to that.

Who I one day hope to be.
And look like cause isn't she a saucy minx!

My Grandma Eva

Vietnam, i miss it so much

Happy times

While I do like my last post, it’s a little depressing. I don't want people to think I'm just some emo chick who never smiles. So here's a random joke that I hope it'll make you smile

Just so you know, I heard it in my Comparative Religions class about a year back.

A Rabbi, a Priest and a Pastor all walk into their favorite bar. After a couple rounds they begin to complain about how in this postmodern world it is much easier to convert a bear than it is a human. The Pastor speaks up and says, "Hey priest, I bet I can convert a bear faster than you can". The priest say's, "I beg to differ, I'm sure I can convert a bear faster than you." The Rabbi perks up and says, "In order to settle this let's meet again in one week. During this one-week we will each go up to the woods, find ourselves a bear and try to convert it. The one who is successful wins." This sounds pleasing to everyone, so they agree to do so.

One week later they all meet again, this time in the hospital.

The Pastor looks up at the Priest who has a broken arm and asks him how it went. The Priest said, "This last week I went up to the woods and I found myself a bear. After preaching to the bear for 30 minutes the bear decided he just wasn't having it anymore and started swatting me around. I pull out my Holy water, splash it in his face, and all of a sudden we're praising Jesus, Mary, and Joseph together. How bout you preacher? What happened to you?"

The Pastor himself not only has a broken arm but a broken leg too. The pastor pulls himself straight in his chair and begins his story. "Well this week I went up to the woods and found myself a bear, too. After preaching to this bear for 20 minutes he decided he just wasn't having it anymore. He swats me so hard pretty soon we're rollin down a ravine into the river below. I take the bear by the scruff of the neck, dunk him hard in the water, baptize him, and start praising Jesus together." The two have a short laugh and together look at the Rabbi who not only has a broken leg and a broken arm, but also is in a full body cast.

The Rabbi sits quietly for a moment, and then begins to speak slowly with in a slurred speech. "After hearing both of your stories, I now realize that I shouldn't have tried to circumcise the bear."

Ashes

Weakness is shameful. It provokes disgust and invokes provocation.


Hidden in solitude
No one can find me
Guarded by pride
No one can touch me

Walls, I have built
In keeping others out
I've fenced myself in


I sit in silence as winter calls for me. The streams dwindle as the rivers ceased their flow. Light fades as the world goes deaf. But snickering laughter and mocking tones remind me of who I've been. Walking Death, like a chilled breeze sweeping across my chest, draws me near and I begin to fall.

I cry out, and He hears. I reach out as He holds out His hand. Gathered to Him I find my peace as the voice that shook the heavens whispers, "I am here."

-

Su Voz

Frustraciones claman mi vida
En todo lugares hoigo sus voces
Palabras de enojo
Palabras de rincor
Palabras que destruyen
Y matan el amor

Necesito escapar
Nesesito ser librada
En mis venas corre veneno

Quita dentro de mi todo lo que engana
todo lo que maltrata
todo lo que mata
Deseo de ti
Sin ti me muero

Home?

I could never stop thanking the people who prayed for us. By their prayers we gained strength when we were weary, found grace in the eyes of the locals, and were able to have patience with each other. Thank you.

Throughout this whole journey the Lord showed Himself to us time and time again. He was our protector in times of fear. He was our guide in times of uncertainty. He was our Father in times of discomfort. He was my sanity. He was in all ways God and I praise Him for that.

I presented at my parent’s church last Sunday. They wanted a simple 15 minute presentation on what the Lord did in East Asia. While I did speak about East Asia, the majority of my speech was on the work going on overseas. The first week in country I was depressed because I felt I wasn’t having the same amount of opportunities to speak to the locals as other teammates. When another teammate brought someone to the Lord, I felt jealous. It wasn’t until I realized that we all have different jobs in the Kingdom that it changed. So I asked God to show me who it is that He would have me speak to and what it is that He would have me do. He showed me Shelly, Peggy, Denise, Melissa, and Jessica. My other teammate was given the job of harvesting. I was appointed to plow the field and water the plants. I told my parent's church that we all have a part in the Great Commission. Some of us will be the field workers, some of us will be the mobilizers, some of us will be the financial support, and others the prayer warriors. You see, we do all have our part.

I ask for my team, that they may be lifted up in prayers. Some of us are facing difficulties as we try to find our place again in a world we may no longer be a part of. Please pray for the other teams CBU still has out in the field. Pray for health, team unity, and grace in the eyes of the locals. Pray that the Lord would reveal Himself to them as He did to me. Please pray for the people we met in East Asia. That God would lift up local believers to guide them in His ways.

Lastly I encourage you, as I encouraged my parent’s church, to seek your part in this ministry. As I stated in my last letter, the work is not yet done. It will not be done until the day of His return.

How They Sing for Him

The dawn breaks as the birds begin their song. The woman beats her rug. The man rakes his leaves. The child scuttles down the street. Around me is hear a myrad of sounds: horns blowing, engines whispering, people shouting, and I am listening. The city has awoken.

This is the way my days have begun for the last three weeks. I will miss it. To all who prayed for us thank you so much. You have been heard. We have welcomed a brother into the family and another is on his way. Many more have heard. The seed has been planted and I ask that God would make it grow. I ask for the workers who will water it. For those who are still here, and for those who are still to come. I ask for those who do not yet believe, and for those who do and are suffering for it.

One of the lessons that I will take with me is how precious worship is. In a place where it is forbidden I cherish every moment of it. I often find myself singing in the streets and the tears just begin to flow. I cry tears of joy to be found in the arms of the one who calls himself the I Am. I cry for all those who do not know Him, or who have rejected Him. I cry for the Honor and Glory that is being stolen from Him. He has become my song.

Being a leader has been an interesting venture. One my mentors told me before I left "A true leader is one who people are willing to follow because they contain the characteristics they themselves want to have." I just ask God that He make me into this person, because contrary to popular belief I am not this person.This is not false humilty, but truth. But, through Him I can be. I need to go... Please continue to pray because we are not yet home, and the work is not yet done.

East Asia

It is all so different. The sights, the smells, it's like being in another country.

There is so much to say, I don't know where to begin. It has only been four days, but I have some stories to tell my friends when we get back. Some will make them laugh, some will get them scared, and some will make them say "Only to Eva." But in all things God is good.

The people are amazing. Some look at us and eagerly walk up wanting to meet us. Others look at us as if we were all dressed in chicken costumes. I've met some lovely ladies. We are going to get together more next week. Our first full day here Kushi told me that I was glowing. She told me I looked as if I was home. I am home. I while ago I wrote a letter to some friends about the fact that I am in the nomadic period of my life and I feared all that this might entail. But now I find peace in this because I now know where I belong. I belong on the field. Whether it be domestic or abroad. I now know for a fact that my home does not consist of four walls. It is found in the one who gave me life. It is found in the purpose for which He created me and there is great joy.

We are meeting amazing people that need to know about God. May our words be sweet as we share truth. May we find favor in their eyes. May those who need to be deaf be turned deaf, and may those who need to be turned blind be turned blind. In regards to health, some of us are still feeling the strain of travel. I love my team. They all have really stepped up to the task. I am very proud of them.

Human

It's all a facade you know. An illusion to make you sense one thing while another is occurring. But the question here is which image is reality and which one is imaginary. Am I a cynic who hides behind a smile. The joy I profess a crutch to hide away from all the wounds still left inside? Am a weakling that hides behind the soldier. Will my fear not allow me to show my faults? Am I either? Am I both? Interchanging them to fit mood and situation. It is neurotic. It is human.

My pride in which I once found solace, I now find solitude.

Displace Me

I recently went to an event whose main goal was to change hearts and raise awareness for what is going on in Uganda. The following excerpt was taken from my journal. It captures my emotions as I watched people from all walks of life gather for a worthy cause. For more information please go to:

http://www.invisiblechildren.com/home.php


We are bound to one another. We are of one earth, one breath, and one creation. United in purpose a tower we will build. For the glory of One, not of many. By this we shall not be dispersed but be united. One call… one cry.


The community pulses. It has a heartbeat. Its blood flows from one, to the other, to the next. As waves travel through the ocean not resting till it’s found its shore so does His Spirit flow through us. But these waves know no shores. They know no boundaries. It is only tied to time. To the day when He says, "Return to Me."

Ave (Bird)

I never did pity a bird that had fallen
For there was a time when she flew
And I never did pity a bird that lay dying
For there was a time when she lived

And though she lay broken on the floor
Her body still holds the vestiges of Honor, Strength and Dignity.

We all fall.
What is important is how we stood


Ave is the spanish word for Bird. I have a facination with them. I envy their freedom. I envy their dominion over the sky. I see them as the embodiment of who we were before the fall. "They niether sow nor reap, they have no storeroom or barn, yet God feeds them." Creation freely praises its creator. No barriers. It is this that I envy the most.

Love

Love is quite a powerful emotion. We find fulfillment in it, as well as devastation. It will lead us to destinations unknown, but in it we find our home.

I'm a traveler. When I turned 21, I stopped having a home. I have spent every summer since then traveling for love. For love of my Father, and for love of people who do not know of Him.